OKAY. So maybe ive grown senile in the past few months, but I really don't need someone to tell me that loosing a loved one hurts, or how much pain it causes everyday, I dont need anyone to remind me of that. Im relatively annoyed right now... but heres how the conversation went (it was with one of my readers)
Reader: It hurts losing a loved one
Me: i know it does
Reader: And it hurts every day
Me: yes.. i know that as well..
Reader: It's like no matter how hard you try the pain never ever goes away
Me: ........
Reader: so, what are ya up to?
Me: .... seriously?.....
I just dont understand how people can be that insensitive. Sure, I act like im okay, hell ive even convinced myself that im okay. But here's the uncoulded truth.
I miss him, I miss him more then anything in this world, I barely sleep at night sometimes because I keep dreaming..... dreaming that he's back, that he's here with me, and waking up and finding that its not real hurts worse then a thousand shots. I've pushed it down, the grief and sorrow, i've let it sit. But sometimes it refuses to stay silent. Like now for instance. I guess I have good days and bad, but i'd sure as hell love to stop having bad days. I know people only tell me the truth, at least about loosing someone i love. But the matter of point is that I already know it hurts, and I really really dont need anyone to remind me of the fact even if they are just trying to be nice. Normally im fine with talking about Nico..... but not now..... i just.... id like for people to think before they talk. Like yesterday, some guy reader and some other girl reader were talking on my page and they were talking about how it must feel to die, then one of them asked me. I answered him truthfully and he told me i was lying straight to my face, he said it felt nothing like that and that if it felt as okay as i said then hed go ahead and get cancer because dying of cancer is better then dying of old age and in pain.......
If i had actually been face to face with this man i have no doubt in my mind that i would have wanted to hit him, however that display of strength is beyond me at this point so i guess hes lucky.
I just dont get how you can look at a cancer fighter and say things like that. I had hope for humanity, not now. That hope is fading.
Anyways, sorry for the rant, im going to give you guys an update on my friends becaus eyou havent heard about them in a while:
Carter is currently gaining a bit of weight though she still only weighs 90 pounds. Tom visits me once or twice a week, its good to see his face again. Jase and Lane are finding every oppotunity to make me laugh, like any one might be my last, yesterday they jousted eachother with curtian rods and whip cream pies as shields and mens underwear for helmets. As you may imagine, it was Lane who got pied in the face (jase is a tad more athletic). I do have some bad news though, Jake, the blind boy who became like my second younger brother, you remember him? He died a week ago. The doctors told us it was unexpected heart failure, they arent sure exaclty what caused it, and even if they know now they wouldn't be able to tell me, doctor paitent confidentialty. Im worried about my freinds, Jase told me that while i was gone last time, Carter stopped eating so well and Lane started becoming depressed..... I can only dread what would happen if I were to die, if something went wrong and I didnt recover. Im not even worried about myself anymore, im past that, part of me doesnt care, I just want to know that when i explode i wont be taking out more people with me. I want to make sure they'll be okay...... and because there is no positive way to know that, it terrifies me.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
The old times and the new
7/25/15
There is hope. I suppose that there is always hope as long as we choose to seek it out, but hope is one of those things which can be easy for one person and hard for the next. And thats what it is to me. When i started this journey, my heart was full, and not of fear, but of hope. I had hope in living, hope in surviving. I still do, just not as much as I once did.
Recently on another website i published a question and answer book, in hope (ther goes that word again) that i could shed light on the dark room that is the world of my illness. I got immediate responses from about fifty or sixty people asking hundreds of questions. A couple of them stood out in my mind.
Q: "After going through all of this, after seeing what you have seen and experiencing hat you have experienced, how are you still so strong?"
A: "Im not."
Q: "What got you through you journey, and what gets you through now?"
A: "Nico, and now, his memory"
Q: "It seems like at a very young age you had to become independent and take care of yourself, do you find it hard to depend so much on others now?"
A: "Yes, for me that is one of the hardest things ive had to do. To force myself to trust others when every instinct in my body is telling me no one can be trusted. To depend on people now, especially now, especially because i am at my most venerable.... to do that and to do it everyday is incredibly difficult."
Q: "If you could, would you go back and change things so this didnt happen to you?"
A: "You might say im crazy, but no, i wouldnt, because this whole experience has made me a better person so far, i have become more then i was before, i can appreciate every breath i take and marvel at every beat of my heart and know that those things could be snatched from me at any second. That is something that i wish i didnt know, but at the same time it is something that i wouldnt wish upon anyone else, so if getting rid of my disease caused another to get it, then no, i would never change a thing. Also, what i have been through and what i am going through has changed me for the better, it has allowed me to meet people i would never have met otherwise. And though what i am going through is most likely some version of hell, i would not chnage it, because to change it would be to change me, and right now, i quite like who i am."
Tomorrow I am leaving again for two weeks, I had the first round of Photodynamic therapy and now im starting Hyperthermia. Its going to be a rough two weeks and im going to need all the strength i can get. Wish me luck.
Till next time
~A.G
There is hope. I suppose that there is always hope as long as we choose to seek it out, but hope is one of those things which can be easy for one person and hard for the next. And thats what it is to me. When i started this journey, my heart was full, and not of fear, but of hope. I had hope in living, hope in surviving. I still do, just not as much as I once did.
Recently on another website i published a question and answer book, in hope (ther goes that word again) that i could shed light on the dark room that is the world of my illness. I got immediate responses from about fifty or sixty people asking hundreds of questions. A couple of them stood out in my mind.
Q: "After going through all of this, after seeing what you have seen and experiencing hat you have experienced, how are you still so strong?"
A: "Im not."
Q: "What got you through you journey, and what gets you through now?"
A: "Nico, and now, his memory"
Q: "It seems like at a very young age you had to become independent and take care of yourself, do you find it hard to depend so much on others now?"
A: "Yes, for me that is one of the hardest things ive had to do. To force myself to trust others when every instinct in my body is telling me no one can be trusted. To depend on people now, especially now, especially because i am at my most venerable.... to do that and to do it everyday is incredibly difficult."
Q: "If you could, would you go back and change things so this didnt happen to you?"
A: "You might say im crazy, but no, i wouldnt, because this whole experience has made me a better person so far, i have become more then i was before, i can appreciate every breath i take and marvel at every beat of my heart and know that those things could be snatched from me at any second. That is something that i wish i didnt know, but at the same time it is something that i wouldnt wish upon anyone else, so if getting rid of my disease caused another to get it, then no, i would never change a thing. Also, what i have been through and what i am going through has changed me for the better, it has allowed me to meet people i would never have met otherwise. And though what i am going through is most likely some version of hell, i would not chnage it, because to change it would be to change me, and right now, i quite like who i am."
Tomorrow I am leaving again for two weeks, I had the first round of Photodynamic therapy and now im starting Hyperthermia. Its going to be a rough two weeks and im going to need all the strength i can get. Wish me luck.
Till next time
~A.G
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Hello again
We got in late last night, I was so tired that i fell asleep in the car ride over to home. Home being the hospital i normally stay at. It's kind of funny to think that I see that place as home now, but i really do. And maybe thats a good thing. As of now i feel very crappy and dont have the energy to type and kind of feel naseous, Im going to try and get some rest. I'll blog tomorrow for reak and tell you guys all about the therapies and what went on for the two weeks i was gone. The doctors said i would get worse before i get better. I can only wait and see.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Tomorrow
SO im leaving again, i know i know, i havent blogged much, and im sorry, ive just had about a billion things to do. I am leaving for the other hospital on Sunday at around 1 in the afternoon and im gonna be there for two weeks, then im coming back for a week to this hospital and then going back to the other hospital. (I am not going to have wifi or internet at the other hospital so sorry guys, but i'll tell you everything as soon as i get back i swear) And yes, that is a lot of moving. But its worth it, or so they tell me at leats. The doctors are trying a bunch of different techniques, some are easy, some are hard, two of them im scared for, Hyperthermia and Photodynamic Therapy. They're intense. Like, really intense.
Im scared but so what, i mean its not like i have a choice, i have to get better, i have to, and to do that im gonna have to take risks. But i mean, come on guiys, think about it, what do i have to loose? My life? Nope, could be gone already, a loved on? Thats been checked off too. Friends? They'll move on if something bad happens, they have to, its what humans do, we keep swimming, because swimming is the only way we stay alive.
Im scared but so what, i mean its not like i have a choice, i have to get better, i have to, and to do that im gonna have to take risks. But i mean, come on guiys, think about it, what do i have to loose? My life? Nope, could be gone already, a loved on? Thats been checked off too. Friends? They'll move on if something bad happens, they have to, its what humans do, we keep swimming, because swimming is the only way we stay alive.
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