Its getting worse. No pretenses anymore. No fake smiles, no masks, cover ups or stories. Its gettign worse. You know that nauseous feeling you get on a rollercoaster or if you read in the car? Or if you've worked out after you ate. Thats what I feel like now, but it's different too, I can't keep any food down. When I stand I feel like I'm going to either fall over or throw up, one of the two. When you loose someone close to you... its very hard...... I lost a friend very close to me today. R.I.P Jase Wynchestor. He suffered from schizophrenia. He told me he was getting better. But he wasn't, he wasn't at all. And though this hurts to talk about, espically now, so soon... but I feel like I need to.. to let it out. If I don't.. well...... in memory of him, here is my last moments with Jase.
"How are you feling man?" Jase asks me, leaning back against the wall, fiddling with his hospital band. "Okay I guess" I lied. "You?" He nods but doesn't answer at fist. I frown, "Jase"
"Huh?"
"You okay?"
"Yea, I'm okay."
He smiles at me and I believe him. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. "Do you want to go out and get something for lunch?" I nod, hoping I can manage to eat something. I don't want him worrying about me so I say yes. "You want to drive or should I?" Jase grins at me. "What'ya worried about Pegleg?" he jokes "scared I'll start seeing ghosts and run us into a tree screaming Allons-y?" I grin and shove him but can't help thinking that yes, thats exactly what I was worried about. The medicine they had him on stopped him from acting disconnected, but it did little to effect the hallucinations. At the time I did not know that.
Carter jumped in the backseat after us and we headed to a small cafe about a block down from the hospital. "You okay with this Carter?" I looked at her knowing she would tell me the truth. She nervously smiled "sure" she replied "i'll be fine." Jases' fingers drummed on the wheel and he shook himself as if from a doze. "You good?" I asked. "fine." he said, and we pulled in. Carter hopped out and unfolded my wheelchair from the back of the van, I pulled back the sliding red door and caught the staring eyes of a family just leaving. They stared at me for a moment, their eyes traveling down the length of my body and widening. I sighed inwardly, but smiled and waved. The husband stepped out from behind his wife and as I settled myself into my chair he approached me. I looked at him curiously and I could feel Carter and Jase tense behind me. He stuck out his left hand, and I saw his right was missing, the whole arm actually. "Jared Jenson" he said "you my son, are one hell of a fellow." I grinned at him and shook his hand. "And you sir," I replied "are one hell of a man." He grinned and I smiled back at him. happy that he understood. "I've met you before I believe." I said, "you own the antique store down the road." Jensons' smile brightened. "That's right" he said, "you're a good man you know, don't let any judgemental crackpots get you down," he nodded knowingly to the cafe, "new staff" he elaborated. "Well" I said laughing "when they see that they've got two of us in one day I bet you they'll have even more stories to tell." He hooted with laughter, patted my shoulder, and then he and his family left. "See you around kids." Jenson called out of the window. We waved, then headed inside.
It so happens that on this earth there are stupid and inconsiderate people, it is unfortunate but true. I never thought I would be surprised by the conversations I hold with them, but that was before I met Cassie Ann. Cassie Ann was our waitress, and boy was she one hell of a waitress. She walked over to our table, bounced is more of the correct term, and asked what we wanted to eat. She popped her gum and then nearly choked on it as she saw that I was in fact missing the limbs that most people still have attatched to their hips. "You want a side of chicken LEGS with that sandwhich?" She asked me in a nasal voice and then cracked up at her own joke and walked away laughing. "He's vegatarian!" Jase called after her, "but while you're back there you might want to pick up your brains and your decency, I think you forgot them."
I looked at him surprised and then burst out laughing, I have honestly never seen him so angry. After that we just talked, about everything, about nothing, about the sun and the moon and the stars, about us, about home, about rude waitresses, about kind husbands. We were just three normal friends, eating lunch together, as we should be.
I won't say everything because I don't think I can. All I can say is that when Jase was found on the floor of his room, overdosed on pills, we didn't expect it. None of us did. We can't predict these things, we don't know when they will happen or how. All I know is that all around me, I'm loosing everyone I love. This is three out of 6, and I can't help wondering, who will be next........
In loving memory of Jase Wynchestor:
Your spirit will travel the skies in the form it always has, and when the moon is bright and the sky is clear I will look up and see you.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
Times Like These
Its at times like these when I look back on my life and think, would I have changed anything? Its a question I get alot. And no, to be honest I don't think I would. When I first started this blog, it was more of a past time, just to get my feelings out, to write where no one i knew would see it. But now? Now I want people to see my story. I want people to know what it's like. I want them to learn from me and about me. I want to open their eyes and teach them new things if I can. I know I've been kind of bad about bloggin lately but I'm going to try and get better at it. Its just been difficult recently. So anyway, here goes...
My morning started pretty much the same as always. I woke up, stared at the pale blue ceiling above me for a few moments, then heaved myself into my wheelchair and took a fast shower. Now you see, for most people a shower is one of the simplest things you could do, washing your hair, letting the warm water cascade down your back, easy right? Well, unfortunately, I am not most people. I am 21 now, missing two legs, have half a pair of lungs, questionable eyesight, and a worsening heart.
I swing myself over the small lip of the walk in shower (oh the irony ) and lean back against the special chair they bolted into the white floor. Hot water runs around my ears and trickles down my back and I sigh, content. I close my eyes and my mind drifts to moments like this that I shared with Nico. I shake my head, angry at myself for..... for I dont know what, but angry all the same. I wash quickly, rinse, then turn off the water and slide out of the chair, catching myself before I tip backwards. My heart thumps in my chest from even that slight exertion and I force myself to breathe. Slowly, my heart rate slows and I get dressed, wincing as the stitches from the most recent of my surgeries pulls.
I wheel myslef down the hallway, looking for no one in particular but spotting Carter. I want to go and talk, but for some reason I don't, I hold myself back. What's wrong with you? I ask myself and roll towards her. "What time is it?" I say, because that's the only thing I can think of to say. She jumps, pulling on the ends of her sweater and turns to face me. "around noon I think" she replies, "you just wake up?" I nod. She nods. We both turn to look out the window. Her hand rests easily on my shoulder, "We should go out somwhere" she says softly. I look at her. "Where?" I ask. She sighs deeply, running her thin fingers through her short dark hair, "I don't know" she says, "I just.... I just want to get out." I nod again, for some reason, not knowing what to say. "You okay?" she looks at me with concern. Pain flares in my body and I jerk my head in a nod, "fine" I say shortly. "Are you sure yo-" "I said i'm fine!" my voice rises and Carter's eyes widen in shock. Then her lips purse and she glares at me. "Aden, no you're not. Don't tell me you're fine I can see you're not, I know you well enough by now to know when you're in pain. Why don't you just take pain killers?" I smooth my shirt with a shaking hand and take a deep breath before I answer.
"Because maybe I want to be in pain, maybe I want to feel this ache, the ache that I know full well will never leave me as long as im alive, maybe I want to mourn, to grieve, like a normal person, maybe I want to be alone for a while, or the rest of my life. What if, just for a second, I could cry, and then I think I'd be okay."
Carter says nothing but wraps her arms around me, tucking her head into my shoulder. "Then I'll cry with you." She whispers. And I hug her back, aware of her bones pressing into my stomach, aware of the chair I sit in, of the nurses in the halls, of the sunlight through the glass window. I am aware of everything, and yet, of nothing.
My morning started pretty much the same as always. I woke up, stared at the pale blue ceiling above me for a few moments, then heaved myself into my wheelchair and took a fast shower. Now you see, for most people a shower is one of the simplest things you could do, washing your hair, letting the warm water cascade down your back, easy right? Well, unfortunately, I am not most people. I am 21 now, missing two legs, have half a pair of lungs, questionable eyesight, and a worsening heart.
I swing myself over the small lip of the walk in shower (oh the irony ) and lean back against the special chair they bolted into the white floor. Hot water runs around my ears and trickles down my back and I sigh, content. I close my eyes and my mind drifts to moments like this that I shared with Nico. I shake my head, angry at myself for..... for I dont know what, but angry all the same. I wash quickly, rinse, then turn off the water and slide out of the chair, catching myself before I tip backwards. My heart thumps in my chest from even that slight exertion and I force myself to breathe. Slowly, my heart rate slows and I get dressed, wincing as the stitches from the most recent of my surgeries pulls.
I wheel myslef down the hallway, looking for no one in particular but spotting Carter. I want to go and talk, but for some reason I don't, I hold myself back. What's wrong with you? I ask myself and roll towards her. "What time is it?" I say, because that's the only thing I can think of to say. She jumps, pulling on the ends of her sweater and turns to face me. "around noon I think" she replies, "you just wake up?" I nod. She nods. We both turn to look out the window. Her hand rests easily on my shoulder, "We should go out somwhere" she says softly. I look at her. "Where?" I ask. She sighs deeply, running her thin fingers through her short dark hair, "I don't know" she says, "I just.... I just want to get out." I nod again, for some reason, not knowing what to say. "You okay?" she looks at me with concern. Pain flares in my body and I jerk my head in a nod, "fine" I say shortly. "Are you sure yo-" "I said i'm fine!" my voice rises and Carter's eyes widen in shock. Then her lips purse and she glares at me. "Aden, no you're not. Don't tell me you're fine I can see you're not, I know you well enough by now to know when you're in pain. Why don't you just take pain killers?" I smooth my shirt with a shaking hand and take a deep breath before I answer.
"Because maybe I want to be in pain, maybe I want to feel this ache, the ache that I know full well will never leave me as long as im alive, maybe I want to mourn, to grieve, like a normal person, maybe I want to be alone for a while, or the rest of my life. What if, just for a second, I could cry, and then I think I'd be okay."
Carter says nothing but wraps her arms around me, tucking her head into my shoulder. "Then I'll cry with you." She whispers. And I hug her back, aware of her bones pressing into my stomach, aware of the chair I sit in, of the nurses in the halls, of the sunlight through the glass window. I am aware of everything, and yet, of nothing.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
OKay so its been one hell of a year
Okay, So its been one hell of a year.
Cyrently im not feeling so great but im forcing myself to type this. This is somethign I thought of while at the other hospjtal, it's something Nico actually wanted to do. Its not anythign really big, but I know it mwant something to him. Our gpal has always been to get our stoty out to the public and to influence poeple's lives, but not only that, we also want people to learn from our story and to better understand people who are going trhrough cancer. We wnated and stil do want people to learm from us. If im spelling anythinf wrong i apologixe, my eyesighhts not very good right now and im also not feeiing my best, bear with mw.
So heres his ides:
#Forever
#Forever means that no dat s your lasy and that you are forever jsut like your memories are forever. #Forever means forever love, forever hope, forever life, forver live, forever be, forever you. It neans dont give up. It neans dont give in. It means there is still hopw, that even though we are fighting cancer, evern though I am fihting cancer, i stiil think there is a forever out there for me. Piease use this hashtag in you bio or somewhere or even just thimk about it. Thid is not just for me and fpr Nico (R.I.P) but also for all those out there who are going through the same thing, as well as their friends amd their families. It would meam alot to me. Your support and your thoughts.... i can not tel you how much i appreciate then. And i know Nico would to.
All we havw ever wanted is too educatr people abouy our conditiom and what we go throuhg. Not only for us but dor the others ouy there who are goimg through th same thing.
~A.G
Cyrently im not feeling so great but im forcing myself to type this. This is somethign I thought of while at the other hospjtal, it's something Nico actually wanted to do. Its not anythign really big, but I know it mwant something to him. Our gpal has always been to get our stoty out to the public and to influence poeple's lives, but not only that, we also want people to learn from our story and to better understand people who are going trhrough cancer. We wnated and stil do want people to learm from us. If im spelling anythinf wrong i apologixe, my eyesighhts not very good right now and im also not feeiing my best, bear with mw.
So heres his ides:
#Forever
#Forever means that no dat s your lasy and that you are forever jsut like your memories are forever. #Forever means forever love, forever hope, forever life, forver live, forever be, forever you. It neans dont give up. It neans dont give in. It means there is still hopw, that even though we are fighting cancer, evern though I am fihting cancer, i stiil think there is a forever out there for me. Piease use this hashtag in you bio or somewhere or even just thimk about it. Thid is not just for me and fpr Nico (R.I.P) but also for all those out there who are going through the same thing, as well as their friends amd their families. It would meam alot to me. Your support and your thoughts.... i can not tel you how much i appreciate then. And i know Nico would to.
All we havw ever wanted is too educatr people abouy our conditiom and what we go throuhg. Not only for us but dor the others ouy there who are goimg through th same thing.
~A.G
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