Times Like These

     Its at times like these when I look back on my life and think, would I have changed anything? Its a question I get alot. And no, to be honest I don't think I would. When I first started this blog, it was more of a past time, just to get my feelings out, to write where no one i knew would see it. But now? Now I want people to see my story. I want people to know what it's like. I want them to learn from me and about me. I want to open their eyes and teach them new things if I can. I know I've been kind of bad about bloggin lately but I'm going to try and get better at it. Its just been difficult recently. So anyway, here goes...


     My morning started pretty much the same as always. I woke up, stared at the pale blue ceiling above me for a few moments, then heaved myself into my wheelchair and took a fast shower. Now you see, for most people a shower is one of the simplest things you could do, washing your hair, letting the warm water cascade down your back, easy right? Well, unfortunately, I am not most people. I am 21 now, missing two legs, have half a pair of lungs, questionable eyesight, and a worsening heart.

     I swing myself over the small lip of the walk in shower (oh the irony ) and lean back against the special chair they bolted into the white floor. Hot water runs around my ears and trickles down my back and I sigh, content. I close my eyes and my mind drifts to moments like this that I shared with Nico. I shake my head, angry at myself for..... for I dont know what, but angry all the same. I wash quickly, rinse, then turn off the water and slide out of the chair, catching myself before I tip backwards. My heart thumps in my chest from even that slight exertion and I force myself to breathe. Slowly, my heart rate slows and I get dressed, wincing as the stitches from the most recent of my surgeries pulls.

     I wheel myslef down the hallway, looking for no one in particular but spotting Carter. I want to go and talk, but for some reason I don't, I hold myself back. What's wrong with you? I ask myself and roll towards her. "What time is it?" I say, because that's the only thing I can think of to say. She jumps, pulling on the ends of her sweater and turns to face me. "around noon I think" she replies, "you just wake up?" I nod. She nods. We both turn to look out the window. Her hand rests easily on my shoulder, "We should go out somwhere" she says softly. I look at her. "Where?" I ask. She sighs deeply, running her thin fingers through her short dark hair, "I don't know" she says, "I just.... I just want to get out." I nod again, for some reason, not knowing what to say. "You okay?" she looks at me with concern. Pain flares in my body and I jerk my head in a nod, "fine" I say shortly. "Are you sure yo-" "I said i'm fine!" my voice rises and Carter's eyes widen in shock. Then her lips purse and she glares at me. "Aden, no you're not. Don't tell me you're fine I can see you're not, I know you well enough by now to know when you're in pain. Why don't you just take pain killers?" I smooth my shirt with a shaking hand and take a deep breath before I answer.

     "Because maybe I want to be in pain, maybe I want to feel this ache, the ache that I know full well will never leave me as long as im alive, maybe I want to mourn, to grieve, like a normal person, maybe I want to be alone for a while, or the rest of my life. What if, just for a second, I could cry, and then I think I'd be okay."

     Carter says nothing but wraps her arms around me, tucking her head into my shoulder. "Then I'll cry with you." She whispers. And I hug her back, aware of her bones pressing into my stomach, aware of the chair I sit in, of the nurses in the halls, of the sunlight through the glass window. I am aware of everything, and yet, of nothing.