A shot in the dark

6-26-15
     When they tell you that you have cancer and then give you five months to live, then four, then three, then two, then one, and eventually you are counting down your days like candy, relishing each of them, and feeling sad each time they are gone. After a while you accept the inevitable, dying after all, is just lifes next journey right? Well yea, thats what i thought too. When you're little, your parents tell you that miracles can happen, that they happen everyday. Then you grow up, and you stop believing in miracles. Do i believe in them? We'll just have to wait and see.

     I have been called many things but miracle hasn't been one of them. Maybe it will be now. But I'm moving too fast, here, I'll slow down.

     When you're lying on that bed staring at the ceililng wondering when the pain will end, you don't expect to be given a second chance. You don't expect to be able to get up again, to walk again, you don't expect another try, a shot in the dark. Because for you, there hasn't been. Now i wish i could say all of it was easy, that i wheeled in and walked out, but that would be a fairy tale, and no matter how many miracles are real, fairy tales never happen, trust me, i know its true.

     I wish i could explain the feeling, of hearing those four words. "You have a chance" Its like a ride at an amusement park. Your stomach leaps into your throat and your heart pounds in excitement and fear. They tell you not to get your hopes up, and you try not to, but it is so hard. Because for so long now, you haven't allowed yourself to hope, because hope ends up hurting you worse then death. But now, even if it is a one in a million chance, its the one you're looking at, not the million. And you hope, you hope as long as you can and as hard as you can because not to do so would contradict the basis of human behavior.

     A bomb can be stopped, i can be stopped, i can be saved. The mantra repeats over and over in your head like a battle cry. Because this is your fight, this is your war, and you damned sure are gonna win.

     I have a chance to beat this, i have a chance to win, sure, its a slim chance, but if theres a thread of a chance, or even one single drop, hell i'll take it.

     There are points in a battle where the soldier gets tired and wants to lie down and die, wants to escape the reality around him, do i feel like that? Yes i do. Then there are moments when someone gives the soldier a helping hand, puts him back on his feet, and his energy, his will to fight, is restored, do i feel like that too? Yes i do.

     There was a time once, where i would gladly have rolled over in front of death, but not now, times have changed, and so have i.

Im leaving tomorow

Hey guys,

     First off, i apologize that i was being selfish, that was not my intention at all and if any others feel that way.. i apologize as well. I was speaking my mind, that is all, im sure you understand, we all get like that sometime right? At this point i se no harm in expressing my true feelings as i have nothing too loose by saying them and nothing to gain by keeping them silent.


     So im going to the new hospital tomorrow. Im kinda nervous, kinda scared, but im excited at the same time. I dont know whats going to happen but i hope its good. Thinking about that stuff yesterday? Its made me realize that i cant give up yet even if i want to, that i cant stop fighting now, even though i feel like i cant fight anymore, because Nico wouldn't want me to, im not fighting for me anymore, im fighting for him.

     People often ask me what the hardest thing is to go through, they expect a normal answer, like the chemo, or the process of having your leg amputated, or knowing you have cancer in general, but no, all of that, you get used to it, it becomes a part of you that eventually after a while you have to accept it because if you dont you'll go insane. And yes i know what youre thinking, accept that youre dying of cancer! Doesnt that mean youre accepting death?!?! Well, news flash, nope, it doesnt, death is just a side affect of cancer, and cancer is a side affect of life. So in reality, youre accepting the fact that youre alive, but anyways, accepting cancer doesnt mean youre accepting death as well, it just means that youre acknowledging the fact that the cancer is present and you realize you cant cut it out of you or yell at it until it leaves, its a promise really, or a challenge, that you will fight as long as you can for as hard as you can until you are forced to give up.

     I've come close sometimes, when i was feeling... blue..... to pulling the plug so to say. But i realized i cant, and not because i mentally or physically cant (though in my physical condition right now its a wonder i can still hold a pencil or type) its because i had this voice in the back of my head, not my voice, Nico's. He was telling me that if i did this now, that i would dishonor his last request, his dying wish, and that, more then cancer, i think, would kill me.

     So when i leave tomorrow, i hope that they find the right buttons, the right combination to help me, because even if i never live past this summer, even if i dont live to see next christmas, even if i never achieve that golden star that is remission, it'll be okay because i'll know that i didnt give up, that i kept trying.

     I'll try to get on tomorrow morning and say goodbye, I'll be back on the 25th. Wish me luck, and to those of you who have, as they say, had my back.... I love you +Cinde Luke  +Nikhil Autar, thank you. If i dont get to say this agai, if the worst happens out there, thank you. I've told Jace to tell you if anything happens, I'd rather it come from him and James and my other friends then a hospital representative who doesn't really know me.

    I wish i could say that i kept my strength this whole way, that i kept a smile on my face, but i didnt. And maybe thats okay, maybe we have to frown sometimes so we remember what it's like to smile.
And remember my friends, This is not goodbye, this is only goodnight

    

Monster

They say thinking is a bad past time, and maybe thats true.
 
 Ive had alot of time to think, to think about the good things, and the bad, more often the latter. I have nothing left for me here, its the truth, i have nothing left. I dont know why my body is still hanging on. I just want all the pain to end. I never escape it. Ever.

     When i dream, i dream of Nico hat hurts, when i manage to stay conscious long enough to pop pain killers and look around the room, im in pain. I cant sit up, i cant walk anymore, i can barely eat, i cant even take  ashower by myself! I am usless! Absolutely totally and completely usless! I depend on someone else for every little thing! Eating! Bathing! Getting places! Everything! And i hate it.

     I dont want to depend on anyone else for things that i should be able to do myself. I hate it.
I hate the feeling of being useless. Its worse then watching someone else die in front of you and trying to help, I'm watching myself die and i know i cant do a single damn thing about it.

     There are times, many times lately, where i just want to give up, i dont want the pain anymore, call me a coward, whatever, I've been fighting this for so long, ive honestly lost count of the years, two? three maybe? I dont know anymore. I try to be strong, i try to smile, to talk to everyone as if i'll see them in the morning tomorow, when i really dont want to. You can call me a coward, a chicken, laughable, whatever you want, it doesnt matter to me anymore. Im tired. Tired of fighting, tired of living like every moment i could keel over and not wake up, tired of trying to be happy, tired of fighting for each breath.......

     Not many of you will understand this. But its the truth, this is the real me. I put on that smiling mask every morning to hide the monster underneath, well the masks off folks. Say hello to the monster, the moster that's me.

Jake

Hey guys,
So frist important announcement. The doctors are switching me to a different hospital in a couple days. I'll be there for about three weeks so far.

Second.

Hello my friends,
SO, I'm trying to blog everyday. I don't know if i'll be able to but i'm going to try to. Its the thought that counts right?

Well today was intresting. It started off with some questions.


I was sitting in my wheelchair in the art room, staring at a blank canvas when another patient hobbled in on crutches. He sat down across from me on the faded red couch and stared out the window. I looked up at him. He was young, 14 maybe. He turned towards me, his eyes seemingly staring past me. He was blind. I immediately liked him, just by looking at him. Yea, it may sound crazy, but i connected with him on a deeper level in just a second. "You're pretty brave kid" I said to him, he smiled at me. "We're all brave." I looked at him for a moment, surprised, because that was something i said all the time. "I'm Jake" he said, offering out his hand, I slowly streatched out my shaking hand. He gripped it firmly and i gave his hand a small squeeze, (the best i could manage in my current state). "Aden" I said. He looked surprised. "Oh!" Jake exclaimed, "so you're Aden Grey!" I nodded, and then realizing he couldn't see me I said yes, i was.
"I've heard about you"
"Really?"
"Yes," Jake said. "All good things though" he cracked a smile.

I smiled back at him. "Are you going to paint something?" He asked. I was momentarily stumped on how he had figured out that I was staring at a blank canvas. He seemed to sense my confusion. "i touched it as I came in, if there had been any paint on the canvas it would have felt sticky, and heavy, kind of wet sometimes, but not so wet it comes off on your fingers." I looked at him, impressed.
"Can I ask you something?" he said, hesitantly, almost as if he was scared to ask. "Sure" I replied, wondering what he was going to say, I tried to shift my weight in the chair but the effort made spots dance in front of my eyes. "What is it like to be in love?" Again, i was surprised, whatever i had expected him to ask, it wasn't that.
I thought for a moment. "Its like learning to walk all over again, its like loosing yourself, all of yourself, and then rediscovering it again. Its like a rollercoaster, it has its ups and dows but every rollercoaster has its hills. Some more then most, and some less then many. Everytime youre around the person you love, its as if you're finally complete, like you're heat is whole. Its like-" I broke off, my voice choking up, I was thinking of Nico, of all the times we had spent together. "Its like nothing else in this world." I paused again and took a steadying breath. "when Nico was alive, before everything went bad......" I sighed heavily, a heavy brick wall pressing itself onto my shoulders.
"He was my world, my everything, the reason i woke up in the morning, the reason i fell asleep at night. The reason I ate, walked, talked. The reason I fought. He's the reason i fought to stay alive, because i would wake up at night and wonder what if i left, what if he left, what if i never got to say goodbye. So we made a pact, that each of us would fight as long as we could even if the other left before. He made me promise that I would never forget him, that i would live as long as i could, if i could, and that i would never stop fighting just because he was gone. The night he died, i thought my heart would burst. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end, it wasn't physical, it wasn't anything that pain killers could help, it was internal, i felt as if someone had ripped part of me away and left me raw and venerable to the world. I was empty. I felt nothing and everything at the same time. I cared about nothing and everything in the same moment. I was both alive and dead. And in that moment, i realized how much I loved him, how much i depended on him, how much he meant to me, and how much i would-" I stopped my flow of words, hot tears racing down my cheeks. "how much i would miss him"

Jake had kept silent the whole time, now he got up and hobbled carefully over to me, feeling his way to my side. He wrapped his arms around my neck and i felt his small body convulse. He was crying with me. I squeezed him gently. My head spun, my heart pounded in my chest. "That sounds beautiful" Jake whispered in my ear.

After a few hours of talking, my headache grew worse and i started to feel faint, my hands shook and i felt as though i would pass out. Jake pressed the button for me on the side of my wheelchair and my nurse, Claire, came to take me back to my room. Jake promised that he would visit me later. Before I left, Jake put his hand on mine and said quite seriously. "Paint a river, rivers are eternal, all of the water, though it may dry up in one place, always connects with another, becuase the rivers all connect somewhere. Just like your love for eachother, your courage, and your hope, they never truly die."

The day you realize its for real

Hey you guys,
          I apologize that I havent been on much at all. As promised, i will tell you about the first time his parents came to visit me. Im not going to go into great detail because if i do i wont have then energy to continue the rest of this blog. So here goes:
          I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon to a nurse holding a phone in her hand and shaking my shoulder. "Its for you" she said, as if that wasn't already obvious. I nodded and took the telephone from her, holding it loosely to my ear. "Hello?" I asked, my voice hesitant. A light female voice answered mine.

 "Hello, is this Aden Grey?"
  "Yes"
   "This is Claire Johnson"
I paused, not recognizing the name.
  "Nico's foster mother"
And those three words. Those simple words, felt like a stab to the heart with an incredibly sharp knife.
  "Oh" I said. What else was i supposes to say.
  "We'd like to come and visit you. Do you think that would be okay with you?"
She spoke to me gently, her voice calm.
  "Yes." I replied "yes i think that would be fine."
I was hallow, i was empty, but every nerve inside of me buzzed, the whole world buzzed.


Apperantly I passed out. The doctors said shock. I tend to agree.

When they came to visit it was much like the second time. We talked about me, my likes, my dislikes, my hobbies, my talents, what i was reading, my favorite places to go on vacation. The subject of Nico was never broached. I was glad, i did not feel ready to talk about it. Even to those who knew him perhaps better then i did.

Now up to present day.

I'm getting weaker. I can feel it. I want to sit up, i want to run and jump and play, hell I want to walk. I feel like i can, but as soon as i try to even raise my head, my body tells me 'no, absolutely not mister', even though my mind says yes.

I've lost weight too. 16 pounds so far. Nicos parents noticed last time they came. As they were leaving i heard them say that i was turning into a skeleton. And maybe i am.

I've had loads of time to think. I've written songs, poems, short stories, that i hope someday someone will see.

The doctors are calling for more tests to be done, i dont see what good itll do now though, we all know which way im headed.