Monster

They say thinking is a bad past time, and maybe thats true.
 
 Ive had alot of time to think, to think about the good things, and the bad, more often the latter. I have nothing left for me here, its the truth, i have nothing left. I dont know why my body is still hanging on. I just want all the pain to end. I never escape it. Ever.

     When i dream, i dream of Nico hat hurts, when i manage to stay conscious long enough to pop pain killers and look around the room, im in pain. I cant sit up, i cant walk anymore, i can barely eat, i cant even take  ashower by myself! I am usless! Absolutely totally and completely usless! I depend on someone else for every little thing! Eating! Bathing! Getting places! Everything! And i hate it.

     I dont want to depend on anyone else for things that i should be able to do myself. I hate it.
I hate the feeling of being useless. Its worse then watching someone else die in front of you and trying to help, I'm watching myself die and i know i cant do a single damn thing about it.

     There are times, many times lately, where i just want to give up, i dont want the pain anymore, call me a coward, whatever, I've been fighting this for so long, ive honestly lost count of the years, two? three maybe? I dont know anymore. I try to be strong, i try to smile, to talk to everyone as if i'll see them in the morning tomorow, when i really dont want to. You can call me a coward, a chicken, laughable, whatever you want, it doesnt matter to me anymore. Im tired. Tired of fighting, tired of living like every moment i could keel over and not wake up, tired of trying to be happy, tired of fighting for each breath.......

     Not many of you will understand this. But its the truth, this is the real me. I put on that smiling mask every morning to hide the monster underneath, well the masks off folks. Say hello to the monster, the moster that's me.