A shot in the dark

6-26-15
     When they tell you that you have cancer and then give you five months to live, then four, then three, then two, then one, and eventually you are counting down your days like candy, relishing each of them, and feeling sad each time they are gone. After a while you accept the inevitable, dying after all, is just lifes next journey right? Well yea, thats what i thought too. When you're little, your parents tell you that miracles can happen, that they happen everyday. Then you grow up, and you stop believing in miracles. Do i believe in them? We'll just have to wait and see.

     I have been called many things but miracle hasn't been one of them. Maybe it will be now. But I'm moving too fast, here, I'll slow down.

     When you're lying on that bed staring at the ceililng wondering when the pain will end, you don't expect to be given a second chance. You don't expect to be able to get up again, to walk again, you don't expect another try, a shot in the dark. Because for you, there hasn't been. Now i wish i could say all of it was easy, that i wheeled in and walked out, but that would be a fairy tale, and no matter how many miracles are real, fairy tales never happen, trust me, i know its true.

     I wish i could explain the feeling, of hearing those four words. "You have a chance" Its like a ride at an amusement park. Your stomach leaps into your throat and your heart pounds in excitement and fear. They tell you not to get your hopes up, and you try not to, but it is so hard. Because for so long now, you haven't allowed yourself to hope, because hope ends up hurting you worse then death. But now, even if it is a one in a million chance, its the one you're looking at, not the million. And you hope, you hope as long as you can and as hard as you can because not to do so would contradict the basis of human behavior.

     A bomb can be stopped, i can be stopped, i can be saved. The mantra repeats over and over in your head like a battle cry. Because this is your fight, this is your war, and you damned sure are gonna win.

     I have a chance to beat this, i have a chance to win, sure, its a slim chance, but if theres a thread of a chance, or even one single drop, hell i'll take it.

     There are points in a battle where the soldier gets tired and wants to lie down and die, wants to escape the reality around him, do i feel like that? Yes i do. Then there are moments when someone gives the soldier a helping hand, puts him back on his feet, and his energy, his will to fight, is restored, do i feel like that too? Yes i do.

     There was a time once, where i would gladly have rolled over in front of death, but not now, times have changed, and so have i.