I know i promised to write about what happened but i cant bring myself to do it yet. I will on Sunday, i just still need time to make peace with myself. Im hanging on. As hard as i can.
His parents came to see me again yesterday.
It was worse then last time. They were crying when they walked in. I didnt know what to do so i hugged them.
The only thing worse then dying of cancer is having a kid who dies of cancer. I can understand that now. Seeing their pain, its awful.......
They brought me a gift yesterday, it was something they had found in a box in their mailbox. The box had large red letters on it that said "NOT TO BE OPENED UNLESS THE WORST HAPPENS TO ME"
It was a small box. Unconspicious. At first they thought it was a joke but then, when Nico died, they finally opened it. There was a card in it for them, and a nothe saying that what the box contained was for me. They came in and sat on the end of my bed as I opened it. They didnt say anything. And neither did I. My hands shook so badly that i could barely get the tape off the top. I saw his mother look away as I struggled to open it. I felt gulilty, i was hurting her, i tried to stop my hands from shaking but i eventually gave up. Inside the box was white tissue paper. And inside that, nestled deep down, was another box, small, black velvet.
I looked up at his parents. Again, they didnt say anything, but they didnt have to, i already knew what was in the box.
I think i cired then, im not really sure. His parents told me that in their note, it said to give it to me so i would always have a piece of his heart with me, so that i would never forget, and so that he could be close to me as well.
I dont think ive ever cried as hard as i did then since the day he died.
I'm wearing two wedding rings now, both on a necklace around my neck, one is mine, and one is his.
And I will never forget him.
Im not sure i could even if i tried.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Its been a while my old friends
Hey you guys,
Sorry. Yea... I know.. its been a while. I have barely been on. I promise with all my heart that i'll blog tomorow. Two pages or two and a half. I'll catch you guys up on whats happened since my meeting with Nico's parents. (And i'll tell you about that too). Wish me luck please.
Love always.
Aden
Sorry. Yea... I know.. its been a while. I have barely been on. I promise with all my heart that i'll blog tomorow. Two pages or two and a half. I'll catch you guys up on whats happened since my meeting with Nico's parents. (And i'll tell you about that too). Wish me luck please.
Love always.
Aden
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Surprise
Hey you guys. I havent been feeling to great recently. Just getting worse. Dont have alot of energy. Im planning on writing a longer blog tomorow. Sorry about this short one. Today was really hard for me. Nico's parents showed up to vist. It was rough, i'll tell you guys more about it tomorow.
Friday, May 15, 2015
My Life In A Nutshell
Okay, SO alot of people are comparing my life to movies or tv shows or books. Its great that you like those things but my life isnt the same. I cant press pause or rewind and try it over again. Although i wish i could. But life isnt that simple. Hell, life is complicated, but thats what makes it beautiful. All the bad things that happen to us, all the bad things we see or hear or even do, those are bumps, just bumps, and yes, some of those bumps are more like mountians but where theres a downhill theres always an uphill. Aperantly today i'm an optimist.
I apologize ahead of time if anything in this blog or anything in my upcoming blogs is misspelled or seems weird or out of place, or if i mix up names and places and things. My mind isnt all that great right now.
They repainted my room today. I guess i've been here long enough that i can ask them to if i want. I didn't think they would but surprise surprise they did. My room is now pale blue. I quite liek it. :) . Carter asked me if she could write a blog on here so when she's feeling better i told her she could. I'm really worried about her though. She weighs about 86 pounds, when she came in two weeks ago she weighed 80 so shes gained soem weight, but still.....its worrying.
I've had more PET scans taken. Still the same old same old. I'm still a firefly. Or an atom bomb. I prefer to think firefly. They're much more lovable.
Energy is really becoming a problem. I barely have enough to type and currently Jase is typing this for me because my hands weren't steady enough.
I haven't really told anyone this but.. i'm scared. I should have been dead already. Don't get me wrong, i love being alive. Breathing is a really big plus. Its just that i've startes noticing how people treat me. I dont know how i didnt notice it before. They tiptoe around me as if im going to fall over dead at any second. And mabye i will. Hell, i feel like i could.
The doctors say that theres not much more they can do at this point but keep me as comfortable as they can. They didnt say it to my face mind you, Jase over heard them. I dont blame them though, its not their fault. Cancer is just too good. Its too clever, too wily, its like a snake in a way. Or a bullet, you dont see it, its kind of fuzzy, and then it hits you, literally. I'm grateful for everything everyones done for me. I know its not easy watching someone die... by God i know how hard that is........
Anyways, it does no good thinking like that, in fact ive been trying not to think as much because then one thought leads to the other and most of them not good ones. Sometimes i consider taking myself off of the IV drip. When im in a bad place, i just want it all to end. But i force myself not to. I think the nurses know though, she caught me almost do it one day but she didnt say anything, not to me at least, but she must have told the doctors because theyve moved the IV to where i cant reach it. I think she understands though. Her son just recently killed himself. She went home and he had overdosed. She said she had no idea it was coming, but that she had noticed things, she just didnt connect all the dots in time. I feel bad for her, she told me the oher day that i had become almost like a second son to her. I will miss her alot i think. Alice is a wondeful person. I do hope she achives her dream, she wants to be a journalist. She would be a wonderful journalist.
To all those out there in a rough spot. Hang on. Life is worth living. You just have to look beyond the horizin, and see the light.
I apologize ahead of time if anything in this blog or anything in my upcoming blogs is misspelled or seems weird or out of place, or if i mix up names and places and things. My mind isnt all that great right now.
They repainted my room today. I guess i've been here long enough that i can ask them to if i want. I didn't think they would but surprise surprise they did. My room is now pale blue. I quite liek it. :) . Carter asked me if she could write a blog on here so when she's feeling better i told her she could. I'm really worried about her though. She weighs about 86 pounds, when she came in two weeks ago she weighed 80 so shes gained soem weight, but still.....its worrying.
I've had more PET scans taken. Still the same old same old. I'm still a firefly. Or an atom bomb. I prefer to think firefly. They're much more lovable.
Energy is really becoming a problem. I barely have enough to type and currently Jase is typing this for me because my hands weren't steady enough.
I haven't really told anyone this but.. i'm scared. I should have been dead already. Don't get me wrong, i love being alive. Breathing is a really big plus. Its just that i've startes noticing how people treat me. I dont know how i didnt notice it before. They tiptoe around me as if im going to fall over dead at any second. And mabye i will. Hell, i feel like i could.
The doctors say that theres not much more they can do at this point but keep me as comfortable as they can. They didnt say it to my face mind you, Jase over heard them. I dont blame them though, its not their fault. Cancer is just too good. Its too clever, too wily, its like a snake in a way. Or a bullet, you dont see it, its kind of fuzzy, and then it hits you, literally. I'm grateful for everything everyones done for me. I know its not easy watching someone die... by God i know how hard that is........
Anyways, it does no good thinking like that, in fact ive been trying not to think as much because then one thought leads to the other and most of them not good ones. Sometimes i consider taking myself off of the IV drip. When im in a bad place, i just want it all to end. But i force myself not to. I think the nurses know though, she caught me almost do it one day but she didnt say anything, not to me at least, but she must have told the doctors because theyve moved the IV to where i cant reach it. I think she understands though. Her son just recently killed himself. She went home and he had overdosed. She said she had no idea it was coming, but that she had noticed things, she just didnt connect all the dots in time. I feel bad for her, she told me the oher day that i had become almost like a second son to her. I will miss her alot i think. Alice is a wondeful person. I do hope she achives her dream, she wants to be a journalist. She would be a wonderful journalist.
To all those out there in a rough spot. Hang on. Life is worth living. You just have to look beyond the horizin, and see the light.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Judgement Day
Today was intresting. I really do think thats the only way to describe it. It started of normally, or as normal of a day as i can have at least.
I woke up.
And then I couldnt breathe.
I panicked momentarily. I forgot where I was, I forgot who I was. My mind flashed back to when I was four years old and I had almost drowned in my family's well. Aperantly I did make a noise because Jase and Leo came running into my room and one or the other of them pressed the emergency call button.
I don't really remember much from that moment on until I woke up again. (They told me I had passed out) but I do remember waking up and seeing all three of them sitting around me n the bed. They all looked extremely scared. I coughed once, clearing my throat. "So" I said quietly. "Had a good morning?" They all laughed and so did I. I'm glad, that even in times like this we still have the abilty to laugh. Its one of the most remarkable things about human beings, our resilience i mean. Think of all the times we as humans have done something bad to ourselves, or had something horrible happen. We always rise up again no matter what. So though we do alot of crappy things, well, we do alot of good things too.
One of my freinds from school called me today. He and I used to be best friends. Then all of this happened to me and... I dont know. I guess he just got scared of it. So we stopped talking. I didnt want to hurt him. Anyways, he called me for the first time in four months.
I picked up the phone. "Hello?" I said hesitantly. "Hey" a gruff voice answered mine and I nearly dropped the phone in shock. I stared at the reciever, holding it about a foot away from me as if it might explode. "Tommy?" I said incredously, quite shell shocked. "Yea man," he said "its me". I paused for a moment to consider this. "Well, um, why did you call?" I asked. "I just..." now it was his turn to pause. When he spoke again I was surprised to hear that his voice was filled with emotion. "I'm ashamed, I left you and tried to avoid you, but i couldnt stop thinking about you. I kept thinking, what if you bit it and i didnt know and then i decided to call but they told me you were gone?" Tom paused again, "i guess the better part of me won and, well, here i am."
We talked about school, about soccer. About anything we wanted. It was like nothing had changed. For a minute I could colse my eyes and pretend that I was in my bed, at my house, home sick from school, and that was it. No cancer, no dying, just temporarily sick.
Well it was a nice daydream. My art teacher has kept in contact with me though. She asked me if I would be willing to paint something representing my emotions right now, and I told her I would.
I have an idea of what i'm going to do. I think i might take a picture and post it on here. Its going to be hard to paint though. I havent painted since he died. I just havent had the energy.
Thats one of my main problems right now, energy. Or to be more precise, my lack of it.
Carter passed out today and fell down a flight of stairs. She should be okay but she still refuses to eat. I hate seeing her like this. I wish there was something I could do but I know there isn't.
Love to all,
Me
I woke up.
And then I couldnt breathe.
I panicked momentarily. I forgot where I was, I forgot who I was. My mind flashed back to when I was four years old and I had almost drowned in my family's well. Aperantly I did make a noise because Jase and Leo came running into my room and one or the other of them pressed the emergency call button.
I don't really remember much from that moment on until I woke up again. (They told me I had passed out) but I do remember waking up and seeing all three of them sitting around me n the bed. They all looked extremely scared. I coughed once, clearing my throat. "So" I said quietly. "Had a good morning?" They all laughed and so did I. I'm glad, that even in times like this we still have the abilty to laugh. Its one of the most remarkable things about human beings, our resilience i mean. Think of all the times we as humans have done something bad to ourselves, or had something horrible happen. We always rise up again no matter what. So though we do alot of crappy things, well, we do alot of good things too.
One of my freinds from school called me today. He and I used to be best friends. Then all of this happened to me and... I dont know. I guess he just got scared of it. So we stopped talking. I didnt want to hurt him. Anyways, he called me for the first time in four months.
I picked up the phone. "Hello?" I said hesitantly. "Hey" a gruff voice answered mine and I nearly dropped the phone in shock. I stared at the reciever, holding it about a foot away from me as if it might explode. "Tommy?" I said incredously, quite shell shocked. "Yea man," he said "its me". I paused for a moment to consider this. "Well, um, why did you call?" I asked. "I just..." now it was his turn to pause. When he spoke again I was surprised to hear that his voice was filled with emotion. "I'm ashamed, I left you and tried to avoid you, but i couldnt stop thinking about you. I kept thinking, what if you bit it and i didnt know and then i decided to call but they told me you were gone?" Tom paused again, "i guess the better part of me won and, well, here i am."
We talked about school, about soccer. About anything we wanted. It was like nothing had changed. For a minute I could colse my eyes and pretend that I was in my bed, at my house, home sick from school, and that was it. No cancer, no dying, just temporarily sick.
Well it was a nice daydream. My art teacher has kept in contact with me though. She asked me if I would be willing to paint something representing my emotions right now, and I told her I would.
I have an idea of what i'm going to do. I think i might take a picture and post it on here. Its going to be hard to paint though. I havent painted since he died. I just havent had the energy.
Thats one of my main problems right now, energy. Or to be more precise, my lack of it.
Carter passed out today and fell down a flight of stairs. She should be okay but she still refuses to eat. I hate seeing her like this. I wish there was something I could do but I know there isn't.
Love to all,
Me
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
My Race
Okay, so i know i havent blogged in a long long time. Im sorry for that. I meant to keep up with it, really, i did. Its just, life, or the lack of it, has gotten in the way quite a lot. Today was no different then the countless days before. I woke up, lay in bed until around 10:00, recieved another does of medicine in a hopless attempt to make me better. These days i dont have the energy to do much but think. I think about lots of things, thousands of things, billions of things.
I think about my past. About my life in Italy. I think about Nico. I think about him alot. Probably more then i should. But its still an ache, not dull, as some would describe it, no, its a sharp ache. Which i know is kind of contradictory.
I think about my family, I try to imagine what it would be like if they were all still alive, if they came and visited me. If one day soon, before i'm gone, they just popped up like "surprise! We're not dead!"
I know im dying. I can feel my body shutting down. Every fiber of my mind is straining to live, and yet every fiber of my body wants to let go. Soemtimes i wish i could let go. To just float on that endless ocean, not a care in the world. It would be wonderful. But i cant. I'll wake up sometimes and my friend Carter will be looking down at me, her eyes will be red and puffy. I'll ask her whats wrong. And she always smiles and says nothing. But ive heard her talking to my other friends, Jase and Lane. When they ask her whats wrong she looks at them and says, quietly, so i wont hear, but i do anyways. She says. "I keep having nightmares that I wake up and he's dead" The 'he' being me. Carter has alot of problems, Anorexia, Bullimia, Night Terrors, she gets seziures and sometimes for days on ened won't know who or where she is. Dementia they say it is. Teenage Dementia, which apperantly is a real thing even though ive never heard of it before.
It kills me to know im hurting them. But they're also the reason I can't let go. Carter came into my room this morning and wrapped her arms around me, her skinny body sharp and bony against mine. I knew she had had another nightmare. I hugged her tightly. I could feel her spine through her T-shirt. "Are you eating?" I asked her. She tried to glare at me but couldn't, she was to worn down. She just shook her head and looked at me sadly. I nodded. I understood how she felt. I hated seeing her starving herself to death and she hated seeing me dying of an incurable disease. "I hate this" she muttered mutionously and I nodded again. Carter picked up a book off of my nightstand and began reading. It was Moby Dick, I recognized it as soom as she started. Carter has a great reading voice, she can do the voices of every single character differently, she draws you in to the story so much that you forget youre actually still in a hospital room. Its amazing. I must have fallen asleep sometime around Chapter 9.
I think in my situation and in others, the hardest thing to hold onto isnt life, but hope.
I think about my past. About my life in Italy. I think about Nico. I think about him alot. Probably more then i should. But its still an ache, not dull, as some would describe it, no, its a sharp ache. Which i know is kind of contradictory.
I think about my family, I try to imagine what it would be like if they were all still alive, if they came and visited me. If one day soon, before i'm gone, they just popped up like "surprise! We're not dead!"
I know im dying. I can feel my body shutting down. Every fiber of my mind is straining to live, and yet every fiber of my body wants to let go. Soemtimes i wish i could let go. To just float on that endless ocean, not a care in the world. It would be wonderful. But i cant. I'll wake up sometimes and my friend Carter will be looking down at me, her eyes will be red and puffy. I'll ask her whats wrong. And she always smiles and says nothing. But ive heard her talking to my other friends, Jase and Lane. When they ask her whats wrong she looks at them and says, quietly, so i wont hear, but i do anyways. She says. "I keep having nightmares that I wake up and he's dead" The 'he' being me. Carter has alot of problems, Anorexia, Bullimia, Night Terrors, she gets seziures and sometimes for days on ened won't know who or where she is. Dementia they say it is. Teenage Dementia, which apperantly is a real thing even though ive never heard of it before.
It kills me to know im hurting them. But they're also the reason I can't let go. Carter came into my room this morning and wrapped her arms around me, her skinny body sharp and bony against mine. I knew she had had another nightmare. I hugged her tightly. I could feel her spine through her T-shirt. "Are you eating?" I asked her. She tried to glare at me but couldn't, she was to worn down. She just shook her head and looked at me sadly. I nodded. I understood how she felt. I hated seeing her starving herself to death and she hated seeing me dying of an incurable disease. "I hate this" she muttered mutionously and I nodded again. Carter picked up a book off of my nightstand and began reading. It was Moby Dick, I recognized it as soom as she started. Carter has a great reading voice, she can do the voices of every single character differently, she draws you in to the story so much that you forget youre actually still in a hospital room. Its amazing. I must have fallen asleep sometime around Chapter 9.
I think in my situation and in others, the hardest thing to hold onto isnt life, but hope.
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