My Race

          Okay, so i know i havent blogged in a long long time. Im sorry for that. I meant to keep up with it, really, i did. Its just, life, or the lack of it, has gotten in the way quite a lot. Today was no different then the countless days before. I woke up, lay in bed until around 10:00, recieved another does of medicine in a hopless attempt to make me better. These days i dont have the energy to do much but think. I think about lots of things, thousands of things, billions of things.

          I think about my past. About my life in Italy. I think about Nico. I think about him alot. Probably more then i should. But its still an ache, not dull, as some would describe it, no, its a sharp ache. Which i know is kind of contradictory.

          I think about my family, I try to imagine what it would be like if they were all still alive, if they came and visited me. If one day soon, before i'm gone, they just popped up like "surprise! We're not dead!"

          I know im dying. I can feel my body shutting down. Every fiber of my mind is straining to live, and yet every fiber of my body wants to let go. Soemtimes i wish i could let go. To just float on that endless ocean, not a care in the world. It would be wonderful. But i cant. I'll wake up sometimes and my friend Carter will be looking down at me, her eyes will be red and puffy. I'll ask her whats wrong. And she always smiles and says nothing. But ive heard her talking to my other friends, Jase and Lane. When they ask her whats wrong she looks at them and says, quietly, so i wont hear, but i do anyways. She says. "I keep having nightmares that I wake up and he's dead" The 'he' being me. Carter has alot of problems, Anorexia, Bullimia, Night Terrors, she gets seziures and sometimes for days on ened won't know who or where she is. Dementia they say it is. Teenage Dementia, which apperantly is a real thing even though ive never heard of it before.

        It kills me to know im hurting them. But they're also the reason I can't let go. Carter came into my room this morning and wrapped her arms around me, her skinny body sharp and bony against mine. I knew she had had another nightmare. I hugged her tightly. I could feel her spine through her T-shirt. "Are you eating?" I asked her. She tried to glare at me but couldn't, she was to worn down. She just shook her head and looked at me sadly. I nodded. I understood how she felt. I hated seeing her starving herself to death and she hated seeing me dying of an incurable disease. "I hate this" she muttered mutionously and I nodded again. Carter picked up a book off of my nightstand and began reading. It was Moby Dick, I recognized it as soom as she started. Carter has a great reading voice, she can do the voices of every single character differently, she draws you in to the story so much that you forget youre actually still in a hospital room. Its amazing. I must have fallen asleep sometime around Chapter 9.

          I think in my situation and in others, the hardest thing to hold onto isnt life, but hope.