Okay, SO alot of people are comparing my life to movies or tv shows or books. Its great that you like those things but my life isnt the same. I cant press pause or rewind and try it over again. Although i wish i could. But life isnt that simple. Hell, life is complicated, but thats what makes it beautiful. All the bad things that happen to us, all the bad things we see or hear or even do, those are bumps, just bumps, and yes, some of those bumps are more like mountians but where theres a downhill theres always an uphill. Aperantly today i'm an optimist.
I apologize ahead of time if anything in this blog or anything in my upcoming blogs is misspelled or seems weird or out of place, or if i mix up names and places and things. My mind isnt all that great right now.
They repainted my room today. I guess i've been here long enough that i can ask them to if i want. I didn't think they would but surprise surprise they did. My room is now pale blue. I quite liek it. :) . Carter asked me if she could write a blog on here so when she's feeling better i told her she could. I'm really worried about her though. She weighs about 86 pounds, when she came in two weeks ago she weighed 80 so shes gained soem weight, but still.....its worrying.
I've had more PET scans taken. Still the same old same old. I'm still a firefly. Or an atom bomb. I prefer to think firefly. They're much more lovable.
Energy is really becoming a problem. I barely have enough to type and currently Jase is typing this for me because my hands weren't steady enough.
I haven't really told anyone this but.. i'm scared. I should have been dead already. Don't get me wrong, i love being alive. Breathing is a really big plus. Its just that i've startes noticing how people treat me. I dont know how i didnt notice it before. They tiptoe around me as if im going to fall over dead at any second. And mabye i will. Hell, i feel like i could.
The doctors say that theres not much more they can do at this point but keep me as comfortable as they can. They didnt say it to my face mind you, Jase over heard them. I dont blame them though, its not their fault. Cancer is just too good. Its too clever, too wily, its like a snake in a way. Or a bullet, you dont see it, its kind of fuzzy, and then it hits you, literally. I'm grateful for everything everyones done for me. I know its not easy watching someone die... by God i know how hard that is........
Anyways, it does no good thinking like that, in fact ive been trying not to think as much because then one thought leads to the other and most of them not good ones. Sometimes i consider taking myself off of the IV drip. When im in a bad place, i just want it all to end. But i force myself not to. I think the nurses know though, she caught me almost do it one day but she didnt say anything, not to me at least, but she must have told the doctors because theyve moved the IV to where i cant reach it. I think she understands though. Her son just recently killed himself. She went home and he had overdosed. She said she had no idea it was coming, but that she had noticed things, she just didnt connect all the dots in time. I feel bad for her, she told me the oher day that i had become almost like a second son to her. I will miss her alot i think. Alice is a wondeful person. I do hope she achives her dream, she wants to be a journalist. She would be a wonderful journalist.
To all those out there in a rough spot. Hang on. Life is worth living. You just have to look beyond the horizin, and see the light.
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