I havent told Nico this because I dont want him to worry.....

I just feel useless. I'm watching Aden die right in front of me and meanwhile I'm dying too. I havent told him because.. well.. i dont want him to worry about me, he's got enough on his plate to deal with. But the doctors said that if i keep getting worse then they dont expect me to last long anyways. The cancer that i have had in my lugs is spreading faster and its getting worse as to be expected. I also have a hole in my heart, im not sure if you knew that or not. Its not a normal atrial septal defect (ASD) either, it isnt healing, its getting worse, they said the cancer is somehow stopping it form healing............i just... i want to tell Aden whats going on but at the same time i dont because then he'll worry about me. The doctors said that anytime soon i should start to not be able to function. Akkready my kidneys have been shutting down and my heart has failed about 4 times. my sights going bluury at times and i forget where i am sometimes. i can feel myself dying. I can feel my body shutting down and at times i just want to let it. I can see Aden dying but i know that by the time he does i'll already be dead. He doesn't know how bad my condition is because i cant bring myself to tell him because i know it will cause him pain...and i cant stand that.

The last thing i said to him before he went under anesthesia, and before I could tell him anything was this.

"I promise i'll be here when you get out"

And now? I don't think I'm going to be.

And part of me is glad of that. I don't want him to see me like this. In the past week that he's been in the ICU I have changed so much I don't think he'd even recognize me. I have dark circles under my eyes all the time. I have lost about 25 pounds, I now weigh in at 109. I can barely stand up without falling over or passing out. I get vertigo alot.

Last night when my heart gave out for the fourth time... i could feel it stop beating almost..... I could.. I could feel myself almost dying.... and part of me wanted to let go, a really big part of me actually.

I'm on a breathing machine right now because i can't breathe for myself for too long without one of my lungs collapsing.

I want to die.

I want it all to end.....

But I don't want to leave Aden... hell I'm scared to leave him....... take care of him when i'm gone okay?

I don't know when i will be but if he doesnt get a chance to say goodbye, if i dont get a chance to .... I want +Nikhil Autar or +Cinde Luke to tell him this:

"Aden, right now? Words can not express my feelings. Have they ever been able to? I would tell you how much I love you, but you already know how much I do. I would tell you I would do anything for you but you know that already too. I just want you to know.... that I;m never really going to be gone. Because I swore to you I would be with you to the end and I will be. In your heart. I love you Aden. I know words cant make up for my loss. I know that , God i know. But i love you, and i know you love me and thats enough for me"

More Bad News

Aden isnt getting any better, if anything, he's getting worse. He had another seziure this morning and is in constant pain. The doctors dont know what to do for him because they think so many things are wrong at this point they need to know what to treat. And they dont.
~Nico

Update: Bad News

Update on Aden's condition:

Hi, I'm Nico, Aden's husband. Yes, we are young to get married. I am 20 and so is Aden. But age doesnt matter because we have love, what we dont have is time. I just wanted to let all of you know how he's doing. Not well. At all. He had a seziure earlier today and the doctors arent letting me see him. He went into the ICU about a day and a half ago i think, i dont know, it feels like eons ago. The doctors put him in there because he was having alot of trouble breathing, he was getting splitting headaches and wouldnt eat anything, he couldnt hold down any food. He was also in all over pain. I will update again when I know more. I am very scared.
~Nico

3/25/25 One Word...Amazing

3/25/15                 One Word...Amazing


Sorry I wasn't able to get on yesterday, I was incredibly busy with, well, getting married. I don't think my words can really do it justice but I'll try as best I can to describe it. The wedding reception was held in the old ballroom (at least thats what we call it) of the hospital, it's got a really high ceiling and it's pretty big and seeing as neither Nico or I are permitted to leave the hospital, it was the best place we could come up with. The room was lit with soft lights it felt really peacful, we had all the chairs in rows and the tables were to be brought out after the ceremony. At the end of the room we had a white latticework archway laced with flowers. It was beautiful :,) I can't really describe the feeling of rolling down the isle and seeing Nico standing there, leaning on his crutches, I was nervous, excited, terrified, nervous again, but most of all I was totally, incredibly in love. It was kind of like drowning. All of my emotions overflowed and by the time I got up there we were both crying. I don't think I even really heard what the officant said, I just remember saying I do and kissing my husband. Wow, the words still sound unfamilar in my mouth, exciting almost :) Our night was amazing and today was honestly pretty normal, the pain all over is spreading and getting worse but now days im pretty used to trying to ingore it.

It might sound strange to talk about this now but I want to help people. I want to help them while I can, while I'm still alive to. I've got 3 months left, Nico... I don't even wan't to think about it right now but thats not my point, my point is that.... If theres anyone out there who needs a friend or who wants to talk, you can talk to me. I've been through hell, I'll probably understand what you're going through. I just don't want to sit here in my wheelchair for my last three months and do nothing! I want to make a difference...even if I don't quite know how. I want to start on here. I want to make one difference, no matter how small, it still matters. One difference could change everything.


It's been a while since I last saw my friends from...before. They haven't come to see me in about a month. I guess I can understand that. Even my grandmother has stopped coming, I guess they're preparing themselves for the inevitable. Even I wouldn't want to be around when the bomb goes off. Sometimes at night I'll wake up and feel so incredibly alone, I'll picture our universe, expanding on forever and I'll think that my life doesn't really matter, how like an ant under a boot we all are. And then the grief at everything will close in and I won't be able to breathe. Then Nico will wake up and he'll hug me and what I need to hear. He won't tell me everything's okay because it's not, and he knows that as well as I do. But he will tell me that I'll make it as far as I can. And I know he's right......There's a favorite quote of mine "Where there is life there is hope" And that, above all else, is true.

3/23/15 One Day Till The Wedding

3/23/25                      One Day Till The Wedding

I can't believe it, it really doesn't seem real. It seems like a dream. Will I really be.....wheeling... down the isle tomorow? Is this acually going to happen? I'm a giant bundle of nerves right now. I just keep thinking, after this, only a month, he's only got a month. Hell. It really doesn't seem real anymore. I would type more about my day but right now my hands are shaking to badly for me to do much of anything, if I manage to get on tomorow, I'll tell you about it. There is one major update though, a week after tomorow I'm going back into surgery to get the cancer (or as much as they can) out of my back. I'm actually really scared, I don't know why though, I've been in so many surgerys these past months it shouldn't scare me at all. I don't know. Thanks to everyone whose reading these, it really means alot. And thanks to those who replyed to my messages and those who shared my posts. It means the world to me to know you guys care.

This Is a Poem I worte today, Its kind of about my fiance' and about.... time and death.. :) sorry that doenst sound to happy but you should read it anyway huh?

As the hands of time draw ever near
As the clock comes close to three
I want to say one thing my dear
So still and listen to me

When soft spring winds on budding bows
whispered gently to the trees
He told them of a secret place
known only to you and me

The light spring wind was gentle,
gave you hope when hope was gone
My wounded soldier onward marched
using brain as well as brawn

Then came the summers sunny touch
forcing back the rain
She led you to a higher hill
above a grassy plain

Your knees from months of walking
buckeled from the strain
The summer gladly caught you
and took away your pain

So there you lay in Summers arms
unmoving and unknown
Until the crisp fall wind
showed you the way home

The cooling touch of autumn
led you by the hand
Across mountians of glass
and oceans filled with sand

The oak trees leaves sighed in the breeze
and fluttered gently down
As my weary wounded soldier
fought to hide a frown

The winter pushed him onwards
never letting him to rest
The winter month though sligtly harsh
knew that he knew best

The cold wind only bit him
when the cold wind knew it should
It pushed him ever onward
towards the fairy wood

I opened my arms gladly upon
seeing my true love
I knew that months brought us together
when push had turned to shove

Its true i had my moments
when i myself saw death
When the hooded figure towered
I had barely gasped for breath

But my soldier how he begged me
to stay only for him
And who was I to refuse
such a lovely whim

I met him in the summer months
courted him in the fall
I loved him through the winter months
which were the hardest of them all

Now we hang in the balance
as do we all
Where dreams become reality
where someone takes the fall

So when you close your eyes my dear
and do not wake from sleep
My weary winter soldier
know that i will weep

We will not long be parted though
for in your footsteps i shall follow
Through the darkened corners
into every broken hallow

And when the summer months have fled
and winter brings his chill
Know that you are not alone
I'll love you ever still

We will be reunited
under sun and moon and stars
There is no love stronger dear
or even close to ours

3/22/15 Two Days Till The Wedding

3/22/15          Two Days Till The Wedding


          Okay, so I realized pretty soon that the world wasn't a perfect place and that bad things happen to good people, but what it did take me a while to realize was that though our scars and our battles may define us, they do not control us. We do. We control ourselves, at least as much of ourselves as we can control. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with possible thyroid cancer, at the time, I was living with my 12th set of foster parents,  they refused to take me to the hospital to have it confirmed or treated. The doctors kept monitoring me and said that the cancer would eventually spread. It did. It spread to my legs, both of them. I guess the day that my legs gave out and I fell down two flights of stairs was kind of a wake up call for them. They dropped me off at the hospital on my 19th birthday and I haven't heard from them since. I don't hold a grudge though, to be honest I wouldn't have wanted to keep me either. 
          At first it was hard for me to adjust to life in the hospital. I was used to running away from people, I didn't trust anyone easily. So the day I was told that they couldn't save my legs... that was a big day for me, and I dont mean that it was just scary because I would be loosing two limbs, but it was scary because up until that point I hadn't really trusted the doctors. Dr. Bear came into my room and he talked me through the procedure they would be using and I just remember nodding when I felt it was needed and saying "yes" or "I understand" where it would be appropropiate.I remember him looking at me and putting his hand on my shoulder. "You can relax now Aden" he had said "you don't have to run anymore, you're safe here." And I did, I decided then and there I would trust him, and thank god I did. I probably wouldn't be here if I hadn't.
          What I really don't think alot of people realize is the toll cancer has on people. Not just physically and emotionally but... I don't know really what I mean, I guess you'd just have to go through it to understand. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
          I used to play soccer. Not anymore. I used to do alot of things that i can't or just don't anymore. But the one thing I still do is laugh, I still laugh and I still smile. I think that's the important thing. To look fear or death or anything you don't like in the face and laugh at it. It seems less scary then. I don't know, mabye that's just me.
         This morning after throwing up my breakfast four times after another round of Chemo, I decided to paint. I paint alot these days, depending on the day though, sometimes my hands are shaking to badly for me to do much of anything. Half an hour later the doctors came by to take me for another PET scan. They didn't say anything but I knew it wasn't good. It was worse then even I expected it to look, I was a bomb, or a firefly, I prefer to think that I am a firefly. I light up on the scan, the cancer isn't just in my legs anymore, it's in my back and it's spreading up to my lungs again. It's been getting worse lately, the weariness, the shaking, the pains. Sometimes I just want it all to end, and then I see Nico, and my whole mind just melts. He's the reason why I wake up everyday, the reason I go to sleep at night, he is my world as I am his. They said I could go see him later this evening. (Last night his lungs and his heart gave out, they brought him back but they said that it would happen more often now). People have told me that I'm brave, that I'm strong. And sure i'd like people to think I am, but you want to know thw truth?
          I'm terrified.