I havent told Nico this because I dont want him to worry.....

I just feel useless. I'm watching Aden die right in front of me and meanwhile I'm dying too. I havent told him because.. well.. i dont want him to worry about me, he's got enough on his plate to deal with. But the doctors said that if i keep getting worse then they dont expect me to last long anyways. The cancer that i have had in my lugs is spreading faster and its getting worse as to be expected. I also have a hole in my heart, im not sure if you knew that or not. Its not a normal atrial septal defect (ASD) either, it isnt healing, its getting worse, they said the cancer is somehow stopping it form healing............i just... i want to tell Aden whats going on but at the same time i dont because then he'll worry about me. The doctors said that anytime soon i should start to not be able to function. Akkready my kidneys have been shutting down and my heart has failed about 4 times. my sights going bluury at times and i forget where i am sometimes. i can feel myself dying. I can feel my body shutting down and at times i just want to let it. I can see Aden dying but i know that by the time he does i'll already be dead. He doesn't know how bad my condition is because i cant bring myself to tell him because i know it will cause him pain...and i cant stand that.

The last thing i said to him before he went under anesthesia, and before I could tell him anything was this.

"I promise i'll be here when you get out"

And now? I don't think I'm going to be.

And part of me is glad of that. I don't want him to see me like this. In the past week that he's been in the ICU I have changed so much I don't think he'd even recognize me. I have dark circles under my eyes all the time. I have lost about 25 pounds, I now weigh in at 109. I can barely stand up without falling over or passing out. I get vertigo alot.

Last night when my heart gave out for the fourth time... i could feel it stop beating almost..... I could.. I could feel myself almost dying.... and part of me wanted to let go, a really big part of me actually.

I'm on a breathing machine right now because i can't breathe for myself for too long without one of my lungs collapsing.

I want to die.

I want it all to end.....

But I don't want to leave Aden... hell I'm scared to leave him....... take care of him when i'm gone okay?

I don't know when i will be but if he doesnt get a chance to say goodbye, if i dont get a chance to .... I want +Nikhil Autar or +Cinde Luke to tell him this:

"Aden, right now? Words can not express my feelings. Have they ever been able to? I would tell you how much I love you, but you already know how much I do. I would tell you I would do anything for you but you know that already too. I just want you to know.... that I;m never really going to be gone. Because I swore to you I would be with you to the end and I will be. In your heart. I love you Aden. I know words cant make up for my loss. I know that , God i know. But i love you, and i know you love me and thats enough for me"