3/22/15 Two Days Till The Wedding

3/22/15          Two Days Till The Wedding


          Okay, so I realized pretty soon that the world wasn't a perfect place and that bad things happen to good people, but what it did take me a while to realize was that though our scars and our battles may define us, they do not control us. We do. We control ourselves, at least as much of ourselves as we can control. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with possible thyroid cancer, at the time, I was living with my 12th set of foster parents,  they refused to take me to the hospital to have it confirmed or treated. The doctors kept monitoring me and said that the cancer would eventually spread. It did. It spread to my legs, both of them. I guess the day that my legs gave out and I fell down two flights of stairs was kind of a wake up call for them. They dropped me off at the hospital on my 19th birthday and I haven't heard from them since. I don't hold a grudge though, to be honest I wouldn't have wanted to keep me either. 
          At first it was hard for me to adjust to life in the hospital. I was used to running away from people, I didn't trust anyone easily. So the day I was told that they couldn't save my legs... that was a big day for me, and I dont mean that it was just scary because I would be loosing two limbs, but it was scary because up until that point I hadn't really trusted the doctors. Dr. Bear came into my room and he talked me through the procedure they would be using and I just remember nodding when I felt it was needed and saying "yes" or "I understand" where it would be appropropiate.I remember him looking at me and putting his hand on my shoulder. "You can relax now Aden" he had said "you don't have to run anymore, you're safe here." And I did, I decided then and there I would trust him, and thank god I did. I probably wouldn't be here if I hadn't.
          What I really don't think alot of people realize is the toll cancer has on people. Not just physically and emotionally but... I don't know really what I mean, I guess you'd just have to go through it to understand. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
          I used to play soccer. Not anymore. I used to do alot of things that i can't or just don't anymore. But the one thing I still do is laugh, I still laugh and I still smile. I think that's the important thing. To look fear or death or anything you don't like in the face and laugh at it. It seems less scary then. I don't know, mabye that's just me.
         This morning after throwing up my breakfast four times after another round of Chemo, I decided to paint. I paint alot these days, depending on the day though, sometimes my hands are shaking to badly for me to do much of anything. Half an hour later the doctors came by to take me for another PET scan. They didn't say anything but I knew it wasn't good. It was worse then even I expected it to look, I was a bomb, or a firefly, I prefer to think that I am a firefly. I light up on the scan, the cancer isn't just in my legs anymore, it's in my back and it's spreading up to my lungs again. It's been getting worse lately, the weariness, the shaking, the pains. Sometimes I just want it all to end, and then I see Nico, and my whole mind just melts. He's the reason why I wake up everyday, the reason I go to sleep at night, he is my world as I am his. They said I could go see him later this evening. (Last night his lungs and his heart gave out, they brought him back but they said that it would happen more often now). People have told me that I'm brave, that I'm strong. And sure i'd like people to think I am, but you want to know thw truth?
          I'm terrified.