3/25/15 One Word...Amazing
Sorry I wasn't able to get on yesterday, I was incredibly busy with, well, getting married. I don't think my words can really do it justice but I'll try as best I can to describe it. The wedding reception was held in the old ballroom (at least thats what we call it) of the hospital, it's got a really high ceiling and it's pretty big and seeing as neither Nico or I are permitted to leave the hospital, it was the best place we could come up with. The room was lit with soft lights it felt really peacful, we had all the chairs in rows and the tables were to be brought out after the ceremony. At the end of the room we had a white latticework archway laced with flowers. It was beautiful :,) I can't really describe the feeling of rolling down the isle and seeing Nico standing there, leaning on his crutches, I was nervous, excited, terrified, nervous again, but most of all I was totally, incredibly in love. It was kind of like drowning. All of my emotions overflowed and by the time I got up there we were both crying. I don't think I even really heard what the officant said, I just remember saying I do and kissing my husband. Wow, the words still sound unfamilar in my mouth, exciting almost :) Our night was amazing and today was honestly pretty normal, the pain all over is spreading and getting worse but now days im pretty used to trying to ingore it.
It might sound strange to talk about this now but I want to help people. I want to help them while I can, while I'm still alive to. I've got 3 months left, Nico... I don't even wan't to think about it right now but thats not my point, my point is that.... If theres anyone out there who needs a friend or who wants to talk, you can talk to me. I've been through hell, I'll probably understand what you're going through. I just don't want to sit here in my wheelchair for my last three months and do nothing! I want to make a difference...even if I don't quite know how. I want to start on here. I want to make one difference, no matter how small, it still matters. One difference could change everything.
It's been a while since I last saw my friends from...before. They haven't come to see me in about a month. I guess I can understand that. Even my grandmother has stopped coming, I guess they're preparing themselves for the inevitable. Even I wouldn't want to be around when the bomb goes off. Sometimes at night I'll wake up and feel so incredibly alone, I'll picture our universe, expanding on forever and I'll think that my life doesn't really matter, how like an ant under a boot we all are. And then the grief at everything will close in and I won't be able to breathe. Then Nico will wake up and he'll hug me and what I need to hear. He won't tell me everything's okay because it's not, and he knows that as well as I do. But he will tell me that I'll make it as far as I can. And I know he's right......There's a favorite quote of mine "Where there is life there is hope" And that, above all else, is true.
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