this is the last time ill post to his blog. Thank you everyone for the consolation, it has helped. His service was very difficult and i would rather not speak of it. Unfortunately i did not read anyones messages to Aden at the funeral as no one sent me anything. But even if you had, i could barely get through my own eulogy so i doubt it would have mattered. If anyone still wants to contact me, i will be keeping this account open as a memorial to him, something for people to remember him by, so i will check the messages people send me. Thanks for everything
C.Q
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Monday, October 19, 2015
Carter Speaks
Hello,
My name is Carter Quinn. Aden was the best friend i could ask for, i couldnt... i couldnt ask for more. Ive been in the same hospital as him for as long as he's been here. Its where we met actually. He passed this morning at 6:00 am..... he.... he was an amazing person, and a dear friend to those who knew him, and to those who didnt, you should have, it would have opened your eyes...... he was strong till the end. His funeral is in three days. Im going to speak at it. It was one of his last requests that i answer any questions those who have them may ask. It was also one of his last requests that if any of you who knew him well enough would like to write something for him, i could read it at his funeral. Just either comment it or message it to this account. To all who knew him, i grieve with you. His loss is deeply felt... of that....of that i can assure you.
with grief,
CQ
My name is Carter Quinn. Aden was the best friend i could ask for, i couldnt... i couldnt ask for more. Ive been in the same hospital as him for as long as he's been here. Its where we met actually. He passed this morning at 6:00 am..... he.... he was an amazing person, and a dear friend to those who knew him, and to those who didnt, you should have, it would have opened your eyes...... he was strong till the end. His funeral is in three days. Im going to speak at it. It was one of his last requests that i answer any questions those who have them may ask. It was also one of his last requests that if any of you who knew him well enough would like to write something for him, i could read it at his funeral. Just either comment it or message it to this account. To all who knew him, i grieve with you. His loss is deeply felt... of that....of that i can assure you.
with grief,
CQ
Sunday, October 18, 2015
The Inevitable End
Dear readers,
I suppose every good story has to end, and so does every bad one. Just like our lives there is a period, and then no more. Im afraid that my story has come to a close, this i the last chapter, and though i knew it was coming, i did not expect it to end so soon. I do apologize that i lacked on the blogging towrds the end. I suppose i juust didnt have the energy, or the will, or whatever it was i used to have, i just lost it. I will not see the sunrise. Of that much i am sure. But i want these to be my final words, If people remember me, i want them to remember this:
We each get a life. Sure it may not be the one we want, it might not even be good. But we get one. Thats what ounts. We get a chance to become someone, to do something. And that alone amoug itself is remarkable. We get people who love us, family who cares, friends who would die for us and partners that we couldnt live without. And thats our life, thats what we get. Sure not all of us will be big shot celebrities, or tv news reporters, not all of us wil have our names and our faces known all over the world. And thats okay, that doesnt matter, because not every big person stands tall above a crowd. Not every hero has a sword. Some of the best heroes didnt even need one. But thats not my point, my point is this, that when i die today, or tonight, or early tomorrow morning, i will die happy, because i know that people love me, that i was cared for. Because i know that i made a difference in peoples lives, and thats what matters. In this life i got a husband, and friends, and i got many more hours then i thought possible, thats what i got, and that is enough for me. And to those of you out there who say you dont have enough, that thats not enough for you... im sorry, but thats what you get, appreciate the minutes you have, because you only have a certian ammount, and it would be a shame to waste such precious moments. We are all human, each of us. We are connected, and if thats not worth something i dont know what is. I guess... I guess all im trying to say is, dont give up, dont give up hope, to all out there fighting whatever battle youre fighting, dont give up. You can win, you know why? Because you have a chance. Because youre only human, because you get another chance, because you can. One of the questions i used to get alot was this: "How are you still okay, like emotionally, after all thats happened to you?" and my answer, as always "because I have to be." So i guess thats my point. Wether i die today, tonight or tomorrow morning, it will be okay. Why? Because it has to be.
A.G
I suppose every good story has to end, and so does every bad one. Just like our lives there is a period, and then no more. Im afraid that my story has come to a close, this i the last chapter, and though i knew it was coming, i did not expect it to end so soon. I do apologize that i lacked on the blogging towrds the end. I suppose i juust didnt have the energy, or the will, or whatever it was i used to have, i just lost it. I will not see the sunrise. Of that much i am sure. But i want these to be my final words, If people remember me, i want them to remember this:
We each get a life. Sure it may not be the one we want, it might not even be good. But we get one. Thats what ounts. We get a chance to become someone, to do something. And that alone amoug itself is remarkable. We get people who love us, family who cares, friends who would die for us and partners that we couldnt live without. And thats our life, thats what we get. Sure not all of us will be big shot celebrities, or tv news reporters, not all of us wil have our names and our faces known all over the world. And thats okay, that doesnt matter, because not every big person stands tall above a crowd. Not every hero has a sword. Some of the best heroes didnt even need one. But thats not my point, my point is this, that when i die today, or tonight, or early tomorrow morning, i will die happy, because i know that people love me, that i was cared for. Because i know that i made a difference in peoples lives, and thats what matters. In this life i got a husband, and friends, and i got many more hours then i thought possible, thats what i got, and that is enough for me. And to those of you out there who say you dont have enough, that thats not enough for you... im sorry, but thats what you get, appreciate the minutes you have, because you only have a certian ammount, and it would be a shame to waste such precious moments. We are all human, each of us. We are connected, and if thats not worth something i dont know what is. I guess... I guess all im trying to say is, dont give up, dont give up hope, to all out there fighting whatever battle youre fighting, dont give up. You can win, you know why? Because you have a chance. Because youre only human, because you get another chance, because you can. One of the questions i used to get alot was this: "How are you still okay, like emotionally, after all thats happened to you?" and my answer, as always "because I have to be." So i guess thats my point. Wether i die today, tonight or tomorrow morning, it will be okay. Why? Because it has to be.
A.G
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Been A While Waiting
I know.. its been a while. Things got really complicated for me a week or so agao, really complicated really fast. And I havent had the energy or the willpower to do anything up until now. I don't have much time to post but my friend Carter wants to do a video blog tomorrow sometime or maybe Monday. I will be going in for surgery to have a new tumor removed around 3:30 tomorrow in the afternoon. Wish me luck will you? But trust me, you haven't missed much, but in case you're really wondering, here's how its been:
After Jase died, I wasn't so sure what to do anymore, I felt like I was loosing everyone, even myself, and who knows, maybe I really am. I was irritable to the point where no one wanted to talk to me, I would laugh or cry or rage at the slightest moment. I wasn't in control of myself, I just.... I kind of lost it for a while there. Im not going to lie to you... I really did loose it..... I forgot things, important things, I would forget where I was, I wouldn't sleep, eat, talk, and when I did, I would talk about Nico like he was still here, like he just popped out for a drink or to go to the bathroom....damn... that hurts even to say after the fact......
Anyway, the doctors became concerned and they kept me under close survelliance, I passed out in the middle of one of the classes I had to attend at the hospital, (we have the option to try and continue our education if we wanted, all of my friends and I decided we would try), they told me afterwards that I had started to laugh at something and then just stopped laughing and keeled over. Needless to say I don't remember a thing. But honestly, nothing intresting happened after that, just the normal rounds of therapy, chemo, more therapy, more chemo, friends consouling remarks and doctors complicated answers.
I've been getting questions lately, alot of them actually were to my friends, asking them what it was like to be friends with someone with a terminal illness, or asking how hard it was for them with their struggles and so on and so forth, Carter said that if she does the blog video that she will answer any questions you have for her, about her, or me, or anything, just leave them in the comments. But anyhow, a question which I get surprisingly alot is this "So, are you better yet?" I can't tell you how many times i have gotten that in the past few days, and no, im not better yet, in fact, believ it or not, IM DYING! So yea, its kind of annoying and frustruating to have healthy people ask you if you're better yet when you have a terminal illness, and they ask that like its just a cold or the flu that you can take medication for and be done with it.... hell I wish.. I really do.....
One of Carter's friends asked me to speak live at her school about bullying and about what my life is like etc. I told her I would do it through skype. Im planning on next Tuesday hopefully. Im excited to speak about things that the kids would want to talk about or know about (its a high school/college) but im nervous as well. Anyways, Ive gotta go and sleep, big day tomorrow. I'll update by MOnday at the latest.
Wish you well,
A.G
After Jase died, I wasn't so sure what to do anymore, I felt like I was loosing everyone, even myself, and who knows, maybe I really am. I was irritable to the point where no one wanted to talk to me, I would laugh or cry or rage at the slightest moment. I wasn't in control of myself, I just.... I kind of lost it for a while there. Im not going to lie to you... I really did loose it..... I forgot things, important things, I would forget where I was, I wouldn't sleep, eat, talk, and when I did, I would talk about Nico like he was still here, like he just popped out for a drink or to go to the bathroom....damn... that hurts even to say after the fact......
Anyway, the doctors became concerned and they kept me under close survelliance, I passed out in the middle of one of the classes I had to attend at the hospital, (we have the option to try and continue our education if we wanted, all of my friends and I decided we would try), they told me afterwards that I had started to laugh at something and then just stopped laughing and keeled over. Needless to say I don't remember a thing. But honestly, nothing intresting happened after that, just the normal rounds of therapy, chemo, more therapy, more chemo, friends consouling remarks and doctors complicated answers.
I've been getting questions lately, alot of them actually were to my friends, asking them what it was like to be friends with someone with a terminal illness, or asking how hard it was for them with their struggles and so on and so forth, Carter said that if she does the blog video that she will answer any questions you have for her, about her, or me, or anything, just leave them in the comments. But anyhow, a question which I get surprisingly alot is this "So, are you better yet?" I can't tell you how many times i have gotten that in the past few days, and no, im not better yet, in fact, believ it or not, IM DYING! So yea, its kind of annoying and frustruating to have healthy people ask you if you're better yet when you have a terminal illness, and they ask that like its just a cold or the flu that you can take medication for and be done with it.... hell I wish.. I really do.....
One of Carter's friends asked me to speak live at her school about bullying and about what my life is like etc. I told her I would do it through skype. Im planning on next Tuesday hopefully. Im excited to speak about things that the kids would want to talk about or know about (its a high school/college) but im nervous as well. Anyways, Ive gotta go and sleep, big day tomorrow. I'll update by MOnday at the latest.
Wish you well,
A.G
Sunday, August 23, 2015
In loving memory of Jase
Its getting worse. No pretenses anymore. No fake smiles, no masks, cover ups or stories. Its gettign worse. You know that nauseous feeling you get on a rollercoaster or if you read in the car? Or if you've worked out after you ate. Thats what I feel like now, but it's different too, I can't keep any food down. When I stand I feel like I'm going to either fall over or throw up, one of the two. When you loose someone close to you... its very hard...... I lost a friend very close to me today. R.I.P Jase Wynchestor. He suffered from schizophrenia. He told me he was getting better. But he wasn't, he wasn't at all. And though this hurts to talk about, espically now, so soon... but I feel like I need to.. to let it out. If I don't.. well...... in memory of him, here is my last moments with Jase.
"How are you feling man?" Jase asks me, leaning back against the wall, fiddling with his hospital band. "Okay I guess" I lied. "You?" He nods but doesn't answer at fist. I frown, "Jase"
"Huh?"
"You okay?"
"Yea, I'm okay."
He smiles at me and I believe him. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. "Do you want to go out and get something for lunch?" I nod, hoping I can manage to eat something. I don't want him worrying about me so I say yes. "You want to drive or should I?" Jase grins at me. "What'ya worried about Pegleg?" he jokes "scared I'll start seeing ghosts and run us into a tree screaming Allons-y?" I grin and shove him but can't help thinking that yes, thats exactly what I was worried about. The medicine they had him on stopped him from acting disconnected, but it did little to effect the hallucinations. At the time I did not know that.
Carter jumped in the backseat after us and we headed to a small cafe about a block down from the hospital. "You okay with this Carter?" I looked at her knowing she would tell me the truth. She nervously smiled "sure" she replied "i'll be fine." Jases' fingers drummed on the wheel and he shook himself as if from a doze. "You good?" I asked. "fine." he said, and we pulled in. Carter hopped out and unfolded my wheelchair from the back of the van, I pulled back the sliding red door and caught the staring eyes of a family just leaving. They stared at me for a moment, their eyes traveling down the length of my body and widening. I sighed inwardly, but smiled and waved. The husband stepped out from behind his wife and as I settled myself into my chair he approached me. I looked at him curiously and I could feel Carter and Jase tense behind me. He stuck out his left hand, and I saw his right was missing, the whole arm actually. "Jared Jenson" he said "you my son, are one hell of a fellow." I grinned at him and shook his hand. "And you sir," I replied "are one hell of a man." He grinned and I smiled back at him. happy that he understood. "I've met you before I believe." I said, "you own the antique store down the road." Jensons' smile brightened. "That's right" he said, "you're a good man you know, don't let any judgemental crackpots get you down," he nodded knowingly to the cafe, "new staff" he elaborated. "Well" I said laughing "when they see that they've got two of us in one day I bet you they'll have even more stories to tell." He hooted with laughter, patted my shoulder, and then he and his family left. "See you around kids." Jenson called out of the window. We waved, then headed inside.
It so happens that on this earth there are stupid and inconsiderate people, it is unfortunate but true. I never thought I would be surprised by the conversations I hold with them, but that was before I met Cassie Ann. Cassie Ann was our waitress, and boy was she one hell of a waitress. She walked over to our table, bounced is more of the correct term, and asked what we wanted to eat. She popped her gum and then nearly choked on it as she saw that I was in fact missing the limbs that most people still have attatched to their hips. "You want a side of chicken LEGS with that sandwhich?" She asked me in a nasal voice and then cracked up at her own joke and walked away laughing. "He's vegatarian!" Jase called after her, "but while you're back there you might want to pick up your brains and your decency, I think you forgot them."
I looked at him surprised and then burst out laughing, I have honestly never seen him so angry. After that we just talked, about everything, about nothing, about the sun and the moon and the stars, about us, about home, about rude waitresses, about kind husbands. We were just three normal friends, eating lunch together, as we should be.
I won't say everything because I don't think I can. All I can say is that when Jase was found on the floor of his room, overdosed on pills, we didn't expect it. None of us did. We can't predict these things, we don't know when they will happen or how. All I know is that all around me, I'm loosing everyone I love. This is three out of 6, and I can't help wondering, who will be next........
In loving memory of Jase Wynchestor:
Your spirit will travel the skies in the form it always has, and when the moon is bright and the sky is clear I will look up and see you.
"How are you feling man?" Jase asks me, leaning back against the wall, fiddling with his hospital band. "Okay I guess" I lied. "You?" He nods but doesn't answer at fist. I frown, "Jase"
"Huh?"
"You okay?"
"Yea, I'm okay."
He smiles at me and I believe him. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. "Do you want to go out and get something for lunch?" I nod, hoping I can manage to eat something. I don't want him worrying about me so I say yes. "You want to drive or should I?" Jase grins at me. "What'ya worried about Pegleg?" he jokes "scared I'll start seeing ghosts and run us into a tree screaming Allons-y?" I grin and shove him but can't help thinking that yes, thats exactly what I was worried about. The medicine they had him on stopped him from acting disconnected, but it did little to effect the hallucinations. At the time I did not know that.
Carter jumped in the backseat after us and we headed to a small cafe about a block down from the hospital. "You okay with this Carter?" I looked at her knowing she would tell me the truth. She nervously smiled "sure" she replied "i'll be fine." Jases' fingers drummed on the wheel and he shook himself as if from a doze. "You good?" I asked. "fine." he said, and we pulled in. Carter hopped out and unfolded my wheelchair from the back of the van, I pulled back the sliding red door and caught the staring eyes of a family just leaving. They stared at me for a moment, their eyes traveling down the length of my body and widening. I sighed inwardly, but smiled and waved. The husband stepped out from behind his wife and as I settled myself into my chair he approached me. I looked at him curiously and I could feel Carter and Jase tense behind me. He stuck out his left hand, and I saw his right was missing, the whole arm actually. "Jared Jenson" he said "you my son, are one hell of a fellow." I grinned at him and shook his hand. "And you sir," I replied "are one hell of a man." He grinned and I smiled back at him. happy that he understood. "I've met you before I believe." I said, "you own the antique store down the road." Jensons' smile brightened. "That's right" he said, "you're a good man you know, don't let any judgemental crackpots get you down," he nodded knowingly to the cafe, "new staff" he elaborated. "Well" I said laughing "when they see that they've got two of us in one day I bet you they'll have even more stories to tell." He hooted with laughter, patted my shoulder, and then he and his family left. "See you around kids." Jenson called out of the window. We waved, then headed inside.
It so happens that on this earth there are stupid and inconsiderate people, it is unfortunate but true. I never thought I would be surprised by the conversations I hold with them, but that was before I met Cassie Ann. Cassie Ann was our waitress, and boy was she one hell of a waitress. She walked over to our table, bounced is more of the correct term, and asked what we wanted to eat. She popped her gum and then nearly choked on it as she saw that I was in fact missing the limbs that most people still have attatched to their hips. "You want a side of chicken LEGS with that sandwhich?" She asked me in a nasal voice and then cracked up at her own joke and walked away laughing. "He's vegatarian!" Jase called after her, "but while you're back there you might want to pick up your brains and your decency, I think you forgot them."
I looked at him surprised and then burst out laughing, I have honestly never seen him so angry. After that we just talked, about everything, about nothing, about the sun and the moon and the stars, about us, about home, about rude waitresses, about kind husbands. We were just three normal friends, eating lunch together, as we should be.
I won't say everything because I don't think I can. All I can say is that when Jase was found on the floor of his room, overdosed on pills, we didn't expect it. None of us did. We can't predict these things, we don't know when they will happen or how. All I know is that all around me, I'm loosing everyone I love. This is three out of 6, and I can't help wondering, who will be next........
In loving memory of Jase Wynchestor:
Your spirit will travel the skies in the form it always has, and when the moon is bright and the sky is clear I will look up and see you.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Times Like These
Its at times like these when I look back on my life and think, would I have changed anything? Its a question I get alot. And no, to be honest I don't think I would. When I first started this blog, it was more of a past time, just to get my feelings out, to write where no one i knew would see it. But now? Now I want people to see my story. I want people to know what it's like. I want them to learn from me and about me. I want to open their eyes and teach them new things if I can. I know I've been kind of bad about bloggin lately but I'm going to try and get better at it. Its just been difficult recently. So anyway, here goes...
My morning started pretty much the same as always. I woke up, stared at the pale blue ceiling above me for a few moments, then heaved myself into my wheelchair and took a fast shower. Now you see, for most people a shower is one of the simplest things you could do, washing your hair, letting the warm water cascade down your back, easy right? Well, unfortunately, I am not most people. I am 21 now, missing two legs, have half a pair of lungs, questionable eyesight, and a worsening heart.
I swing myself over the small lip of the walk in shower (oh the irony ) and lean back against the special chair they bolted into the white floor. Hot water runs around my ears and trickles down my back and I sigh, content. I close my eyes and my mind drifts to moments like this that I shared with Nico. I shake my head, angry at myself for..... for I dont know what, but angry all the same. I wash quickly, rinse, then turn off the water and slide out of the chair, catching myself before I tip backwards. My heart thumps in my chest from even that slight exertion and I force myself to breathe. Slowly, my heart rate slows and I get dressed, wincing as the stitches from the most recent of my surgeries pulls.
I wheel myslef down the hallway, looking for no one in particular but spotting Carter. I want to go and talk, but for some reason I don't, I hold myself back. What's wrong with you? I ask myself and roll towards her. "What time is it?" I say, because that's the only thing I can think of to say. She jumps, pulling on the ends of her sweater and turns to face me. "around noon I think" she replies, "you just wake up?" I nod. She nods. We both turn to look out the window. Her hand rests easily on my shoulder, "We should go out somwhere" she says softly. I look at her. "Where?" I ask. She sighs deeply, running her thin fingers through her short dark hair, "I don't know" she says, "I just.... I just want to get out." I nod again, for some reason, not knowing what to say. "You okay?" she looks at me with concern. Pain flares in my body and I jerk my head in a nod, "fine" I say shortly. "Are you sure yo-" "I said i'm fine!" my voice rises and Carter's eyes widen in shock. Then her lips purse and she glares at me. "Aden, no you're not. Don't tell me you're fine I can see you're not, I know you well enough by now to know when you're in pain. Why don't you just take pain killers?" I smooth my shirt with a shaking hand and take a deep breath before I answer.
"Because maybe I want to be in pain, maybe I want to feel this ache, the ache that I know full well will never leave me as long as im alive, maybe I want to mourn, to grieve, like a normal person, maybe I want to be alone for a while, or the rest of my life. What if, just for a second, I could cry, and then I think I'd be okay."
Carter says nothing but wraps her arms around me, tucking her head into my shoulder. "Then I'll cry with you." She whispers. And I hug her back, aware of her bones pressing into my stomach, aware of the chair I sit in, of the nurses in the halls, of the sunlight through the glass window. I am aware of everything, and yet, of nothing.
My morning started pretty much the same as always. I woke up, stared at the pale blue ceiling above me for a few moments, then heaved myself into my wheelchair and took a fast shower. Now you see, for most people a shower is one of the simplest things you could do, washing your hair, letting the warm water cascade down your back, easy right? Well, unfortunately, I am not most people. I am 21 now, missing two legs, have half a pair of lungs, questionable eyesight, and a worsening heart.
I swing myself over the small lip of the walk in shower (oh the irony ) and lean back against the special chair they bolted into the white floor. Hot water runs around my ears and trickles down my back and I sigh, content. I close my eyes and my mind drifts to moments like this that I shared with Nico. I shake my head, angry at myself for..... for I dont know what, but angry all the same. I wash quickly, rinse, then turn off the water and slide out of the chair, catching myself before I tip backwards. My heart thumps in my chest from even that slight exertion and I force myself to breathe. Slowly, my heart rate slows and I get dressed, wincing as the stitches from the most recent of my surgeries pulls.
I wheel myslef down the hallway, looking for no one in particular but spotting Carter. I want to go and talk, but for some reason I don't, I hold myself back. What's wrong with you? I ask myself and roll towards her. "What time is it?" I say, because that's the only thing I can think of to say. She jumps, pulling on the ends of her sweater and turns to face me. "around noon I think" she replies, "you just wake up?" I nod. She nods. We both turn to look out the window. Her hand rests easily on my shoulder, "We should go out somwhere" she says softly. I look at her. "Where?" I ask. She sighs deeply, running her thin fingers through her short dark hair, "I don't know" she says, "I just.... I just want to get out." I nod again, for some reason, not knowing what to say. "You okay?" she looks at me with concern. Pain flares in my body and I jerk my head in a nod, "fine" I say shortly. "Are you sure yo-" "I said i'm fine!" my voice rises and Carter's eyes widen in shock. Then her lips purse and she glares at me. "Aden, no you're not. Don't tell me you're fine I can see you're not, I know you well enough by now to know when you're in pain. Why don't you just take pain killers?" I smooth my shirt with a shaking hand and take a deep breath before I answer.
"Because maybe I want to be in pain, maybe I want to feel this ache, the ache that I know full well will never leave me as long as im alive, maybe I want to mourn, to grieve, like a normal person, maybe I want to be alone for a while, or the rest of my life. What if, just for a second, I could cry, and then I think I'd be okay."
Carter says nothing but wraps her arms around me, tucking her head into my shoulder. "Then I'll cry with you." She whispers. And I hug her back, aware of her bones pressing into my stomach, aware of the chair I sit in, of the nurses in the halls, of the sunlight through the glass window. I am aware of everything, and yet, of nothing.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
OKay so its been one hell of a year
Okay, So its been one hell of a year.
Cyrently im not feeling so great but im forcing myself to type this. This is somethign I thought of while at the other hospjtal, it's something Nico actually wanted to do. Its not anythign really big, but I know it mwant something to him. Our gpal has always been to get our stoty out to the public and to influence poeple's lives, but not only that, we also want people to learn from our story and to better understand people who are going trhrough cancer. We wnated and stil do want people to learm from us. If im spelling anythinf wrong i apologixe, my eyesighhts not very good right now and im also not feeiing my best, bear with mw.
So heres his ides:
#Forever
#Forever means that no dat s your lasy and that you are forever jsut like your memories are forever. #Forever means forever love, forever hope, forever life, forver live, forever be, forever you. It neans dont give up. It neans dont give in. It means there is still hopw, that even though we are fighting cancer, evern though I am fihting cancer, i stiil think there is a forever out there for me. Piease use this hashtag in you bio or somewhere or even just thimk about it. Thid is not just for me and fpr Nico (R.I.P) but also for all those out there who are going through the same thing, as well as their friends amd their families. It would meam alot to me. Your support and your thoughts.... i can not tel you how much i appreciate then. And i know Nico would to.
All we havw ever wanted is too educatr people abouy our conditiom and what we go throuhg. Not only for us but dor the others ouy there who are goimg through th same thing.
~A.G
Cyrently im not feeling so great but im forcing myself to type this. This is somethign I thought of while at the other hospjtal, it's something Nico actually wanted to do. Its not anythign really big, but I know it mwant something to him. Our gpal has always been to get our stoty out to the public and to influence poeple's lives, but not only that, we also want people to learn from our story and to better understand people who are going trhrough cancer. We wnated and stil do want people to learm from us. If im spelling anythinf wrong i apologixe, my eyesighhts not very good right now and im also not feeiing my best, bear with mw.
So heres his ides:
#Forever
#Forever means that no dat s your lasy and that you are forever jsut like your memories are forever. #Forever means forever love, forever hope, forever life, forver live, forever be, forever you. It neans dont give up. It neans dont give in. It means there is still hopw, that even though we are fighting cancer, evern though I am fihting cancer, i stiil think there is a forever out there for me. Piease use this hashtag in you bio or somewhere or even just thimk about it. Thid is not just for me and fpr Nico (R.I.P) but also for all those out there who are going through the same thing, as well as their friends amd their families. It would meam alot to me. Your support and your thoughts.... i can not tel you how much i appreciate then. And i know Nico would to.
All we havw ever wanted is too educatr people abouy our conditiom and what we go throuhg. Not only for us but dor the others ouy there who are goimg through th same thing.
~A.G
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Bitter? Or not bitter?
OKAY. So maybe ive grown senile in the past few months, but I really don't need someone to tell me that loosing a loved one hurts, or how much pain it causes everyday, I dont need anyone to remind me of that. Im relatively annoyed right now... but heres how the conversation went (it was with one of my readers)
Reader: It hurts losing a loved one
Me: i know it does
Reader: And it hurts every day
Me: yes.. i know that as well..
Reader: It's like no matter how hard you try the pain never ever goes away
Me: ........
Reader: so, what are ya up to?
Me: .... seriously?.....
I just dont understand how people can be that insensitive. Sure, I act like im okay, hell ive even convinced myself that im okay. But here's the uncoulded truth.
I miss him, I miss him more then anything in this world, I barely sleep at night sometimes because I keep dreaming..... dreaming that he's back, that he's here with me, and waking up and finding that its not real hurts worse then a thousand shots. I've pushed it down, the grief and sorrow, i've let it sit. But sometimes it refuses to stay silent. Like now for instance. I guess I have good days and bad, but i'd sure as hell love to stop having bad days. I know people only tell me the truth, at least about loosing someone i love. But the matter of point is that I already know it hurts, and I really really dont need anyone to remind me of the fact even if they are just trying to be nice. Normally im fine with talking about Nico..... but not now..... i just.... id like for people to think before they talk. Like yesterday, some guy reader and some other girl reader were talking on my page and they were talking about how it must feel to die, then one of them asked me. I answered him truthfully and he told me i was lying straight to my face, he said it felt nothing like that and that if it felt as okay as i said then hed go ahead and get cancer because dying of cancer is better then dying of old age and in pain.......
If i had actually been face to face with this man i have no doubt in my mind that i would have wanted to hit him, however that display of strength is beyond me at this point so i guess hes lucky.
I just dont get how you can look at a cancer fighter and say things like that. I had hope for humanity, not now. That hope is fading.
Anyways, sorry for the rant, im going to give you guys an update on my friends becaus eyou havent heard about them in a while:
Carter is currently gaining a bit of weight though she still only weighs 90 pounds. Tom visits me once or twice a week, its good to see his face again. Jase and Lane are finding every oppotunity to make me laugh, like any one might be my last, yesterday they jousted eachother with curtian rods and whip cream pies as shields and mens underwear for helmets. As you may imagine, it was Lane who got pied in the face (jase is a tad more athletic). I do have some bad news though, Jake, the blind boy who became like my second younger brother, you remember him? He died a week ago. The doctors told us it was unexpected heart failure, they arent sure exaclty what caused it, and even if they know now they wouldn't be able to tell me, doctor paitent confidentialty. Im worried about my freinds, Jase told me that while i was gone last time, Carter stopped eating so well and Lane started becoming depressed..... I can only dread what would happen if I were to die, if something went wrong and I didnt recover. Im not even worried about myself anymore, im past that, part of me doesnt care, I just want to know that when i explode i wont be taking out more people with me. I want to make sure they'll be okay...... and because there is no positive way to know that, it terrifies me.
Reader: It hurts losing a loved one
Me: i know it does
Reader: And it hurts every day
Me: yes.. i know that as well..
Reader: It's like no matter how hard you try the pain never ever goes away
Me: ........
Reader: so, what are ya up to?
Me: .... seriously?.....
I just dont understand how people can be that insensitive. Sure, I act like im okay, hell ive even convinced myself that im okay. But here's the uncoulded truth.
I miss him, I miss him more then anything in this world, I barely sleep at night sometimes because I keep dreaming..... dreaming that he's back, that he's here with me, and waking up and finding that its not real hurts worse then a thousand shots. I've pushed it down, the grief and sorrow, i've let it sit. But sometimes it refuses to stay silent. Like now for instance. I guess I have good days and bad, but i'd sure as hell love to stop having bad days. I know people only tell me the truth, at least about loosing someone i love. But the matter of point is that I already know it hurts, and I really really dont need anyone to remind me of the fact even if they are just trying to be nice. Normally im fine with talking about Nico..... but not now..... i just.... id like for people to think before they talk. Like yesterday, some guy reader and some other girl reader were talking on my page and they were talking about how it must feel to die, then one of them asked me. I answered him truthfully and he told me i was lying straight to my face, he said it felt nothing like that and that if it felt as okay as i said then hed go ahead and get cancer because dying of cancer is better then dying of old age and in pain.......
If i had actually been face to face with this man i have no doubt in my mind that i would have wanted to hit him, however that display of strength is beyond me at this point so i guess hes lucky.
I just dont get how you can look at a cancer fighter and say things like that. I had hope for humanity, not now. That hope is fading.
Anyways, sorry for the rant, im going to give you guys an update on my friends becaus eyou havent heard about them in a while:
Carter is currently gaining a bit of weight though she still only weighs 90 pounds. Tom visits me once or twice a week, its good to see his face again. Jase and Lane are finding every oppotunity to make me laugh, like any one might be my last, yesterday they jousted eachother with curtian rods and whip cream pies as shields and mens underwear for helmets. As you may imagine, it was Lane who got pied in the face (jase is a tad more athletic). I do have some bad news though, Jake, the blind boy who became like my second younger brother, you remember him? He died a week ago. The doctors told us it was unexpected heart failure, they arent sure exaclty what caused it, and even if they know now they wouldn't be able to tell me, doctor paitent confidentialty. Im worried about my freinds, Jase told me that while i was gone last time, Carter stopped eating so well and Lane started becoming depressed..... I can only dread what would happen if I were to die, if something went wrong and I didnt recover. Im not even worried about myself anymore, im past that, part of me doesnt care, I just want to know that when i explode i wont be taking out more people with me. I want to make sure they'll be okay...... and because there is no positive way to know that, it terrifies me.
The old times and the new
7/25/15
There is hope. I suppose that there is always hope as long as we choose to seek it out, but hope is one of those things which can be easy for one person and hard for the next. And thats what it is to me. When i started this journey, my heart was full, and not of fear, but of hope. I had hope in living, hope in surviving. I still do, just not as much as I once did.
Recently on another website i published a question and answer book, in hope (ther goes that word again) that i could shed light on the dark room that is the world of my illness. I got immediate responses from about fifty or sixty people asking hundreds of questions. A couple of them stood out in my mind.
Q: "After going through all of this, after seeing what you have seen and experiencing hat you have experienced, how are you still so strong?"
A: "Im not."
Q: "What got you through you journey, and what gets you through now?"
A: "Nico, and now, his memory"
Q: "It seems like at a very young age you had to become independent and take care of yourself, do you find it hard to depend so much on others now?"
A: "Yes, for me that is one of the hardest things ive had to do. To force myself to trust others when every instinct in my body is telling me no one can be trusted. To depend on people now, especially now, especially because i am at my most venerable.... to do that and to do it everyday is incredibly difficult."
Q: "If you could, would you go back and change things so this didnt happen to you?"
A: "You might say im crazy, but no, i wouldnt, because this whole experience has made me a better person so far, i have become more then i was before, i can appreciate every breath i take and marvel at every beat of my heart and know that those things could be snatched from me at any second. That is something that i wish i didnt know, but at the same time it is something that i wouldnt wish upon anyone else, so if getting rid of my disease caused another to get it, then no, i would never change a thing. Also, what i have been through and what i am going through has changed me for the better, it has allowed me to meet people i would never have met otherwise. And though what i am going through is most likely some version of hell, i would not chnage it, because to change it would be to change me, and right now, i quite like who i am."
Tomorrow I am leaving again for two weeks, I had the first round of Photodynamic therapy and now im starting Hyperthermia. Its going to be a rough two weeks and im going to need all the strength i can get. Wish me luck.
Till next time
~A.G
There is hope. I suppose that there is always hope as long as we choose to seek it out, but hope is one of those things which can be easy for one person and hard for the next. And thats what it is to me. When i started this journey, my heart was full, and not of fear, but of hope. I had hope in living, hope in surviving. I still do, just not as much as I once did.
Recently on another website i published a question and answer book, in hope (ther goes that word again) that i could shed light on the dark room that is the world of my illness. I got immediate responses from about fifty or sixty people asking hundreds of questions. A couple of them stood out in my mind.
Q: "After going through all of this, after seeing what you have seen and experiencing hat you have experienced, how are you still so strong?"
A: "Im not."
Q: "What got you through you journey, and what gets you through now?"
A: "Nico, and now, his memory"
Q: "It seems like at a very young age you had to become independent and take care of yourself, do you find it hard to depend so much on others now?"
A: "Yes, for me that is one of the hardest things ive had to do. To force myself to trust others when every instinct in my body is telling me no one can be trusted. To depend on people now, especially now, especially because i am at my most venerable.... to do that and to do it everyday is incredibly difficult."
Q: "If you could, would you go back and change things so this didnt happen to you?"
A: "You might say im crazy, but no, i wouldnt, because this whole experience has made me a better person so far, i have become more then i was before, i can appreciate every breath i take and marvel at every beat of my heart and know that those things could be snatched from me at any second. That is something that i wish i didnt know, but at the same time it is something that i wouldnt wish upon anyone else, so if getting rid of my disease caused another to get it, then no, i would never change a thing. Also, what i have been through and what i am going through has changed me for the better, it has allowed me to meet people i would never have met otherwise. And though what i am going through is most likely some version of hell, i would not chnage it, because to change it would be to change me, and right now, i quite like who i am."
Tomorrow I am leaving again for two weeks, I had the first round of Photodynamic therapy and now im starting Hyperthermia. Its going to be a rough two weeks and im going to need all the strength i can get. Wish me luck.
Till next time
~A.G
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Hello again
We got in late last night, I was so tired that i fell asleep in the car ride over to home. Home being the hospital i normally stay at. It's kind of funny to think that I see that place as home now, but i really do. And maybe thats a good thing. As of now i feel very crappy and dont have the energy to type and kind of feel naseous, Im going to try and get some rest. I'll blog tomorrow for reak and tell you guys all about the therapies and what went on for the two weeks i was gone. The doctors said i would get worse before i get better. I can only wait and see.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Tomorrow
SO im leaving again, i know i know, i havent blogged much, and im sorry, ive just had about a billion things to do. I am leaving for the other hospital on Sunday at around 1 in the afternoon and im gonna be there for two weeks, then im coming back for a week to this hospital and then going back to the other hospital. (I am not going to have wifi or internet at the other hospital so sorry guys, but i'll tell you everything as soon as i get back i swear) And yes, that is a lot of moving. But its worth it, or so they tell me at leats. The doctors are trying a bunch of different techniques, some are easy, some are hard, two of them im scared for, Hyperthermia and Photodynamic Therapy. They're intense. Like, really intense.
Im scared but so what, i mean its not like i have a choice, i have to get better, i have to, and to do that im gonna have to take risks. But i mean, come on guiys, think about it, what do i have to loose? My life? Nope, could be gone already, a loved on? Thats been checked off too. Friends? They'll move on if something bad happens, they have to, its what humans do, we keep swimming, because swimming is the only way we stay alive.
Im scared but so what, i mean its not like i have a choice, i have to get better, i have to, and to do that im gonna have to take risks. But i mean, come on guiys, think about it, what do i have to loose? My life? Nope, could be gone already, a loved on? Thats been checked off too. Friends? They'll move on if something bad happens, they have to, its what humans do, we keep swimming, because swimming is the only way we stay alive.
Friday, June 26, 2015
A shot in the dark
6-26-15
When they tell you that you have cancer and then give you five months to live, then four, then three, then two, then one, and eventually you are counting down your days like candy, relishing each of them, and feeling sad each time they are gone. After a while you accept the inevitable, dying after all, is just lifes next journey right? Well yea, thats what i thought too. When you're little, your parents tell you that miracles can happen, that they happen everyday. Then you grow up, and you stop believing in miracles. Do i believe in them? We'll just have to wait and see.
I have been called many things but miracle hasn't been one of them. Maybe it will be now. But I'm moving too fast, here, I'll slow down.
When you're lying on that bed staring at the ceililng wondering when the pain will end, you don't expect to be given a second chance. You don't expect to be able to get up again, to walk again, you don't expect another try, a shot in the dark. Because for you, there hasn't been. Now i wish i could say all of it was easy, that i wheeled in and walked out, but that would be a fairy tale, and no matter how many miracles are real, fairy tales never happen, trust me, i know its true.
I wish i could explain the feeling, of hearing those four words. "You have a chance" Its like a ride at an amusement park. Your stomach leaps into your throat and your heart pounds in excitement and fear. They tell you not to get your hopes up, and you try not to, but it is so hard. Because for so long now, you haven't allowed yourself to hope, because hope ends up hurting you worse then death. But now, even if it is a one in a million chance, its the one you're looking at, not the million. And you hope, you hope as long as you can and as hard as you can because not to do so would contradict the basis of human behavior.
A bomb can be stopped, i can be stopped, i can be saved. The mantra repeats over and over in your head like a battle cry. Because this is your fight, this is your war, and you damned sure are gonna win.
I have a chance to beat this, i have a chance to win, sure, its a slim chance, but if theres a thread of a chance, or even one single drop, hell i'll take it.
There are points in a battle where the soldier gets tired and wants to lie down and die, wants to escape the reality around him, do i feel like that? Yes i do. Then there are moments when someone gives the soldier a helping hand, puts him back on his feet, and his energy, his will to fight, is restored, do i feel like that too? Yes i do.
There was a time once, where i would gladly have rolled over in front of death, but not now, times have changed, and so have i.
When they tell you that you have cancer and then give you five months to live, then four, then three, then two, then one, and eventually you are counting down your days like candy, relishing each of them, and feeling sad each time they are gone. After a while you accept the inevitable, dying after all, is just lifes next journey right? Well yea, thats what i thought too. When you're little, your parents tell you that miracles can happen, that they happen everyday. Then you grow up, and you stop believing in miracles. Do i believe in them? We'll just have to wait and see.
I have been called many things but miracle hasn't been one of them. Maybe it will be now. But I'm moving too fast, here, I'll slow down.
When you're lying on that bed staring at the ceililng wondering when the pain will end, you don't expect to be given a second chance. You don't expect to be able to get up again, to walk again, you don't expect another try, a shot in the dark. Because for you, there hasn't been. Now i wish i could say all of it was easy, that i wheeled in and walked out, but that would be a fairy tale, and no matter how many miracles are real, fairy tales never happen, trust me, i know its true.
I wish i could explain the feeling, of hearing those four words. "You have a chance" Its like a ride at an amusement park. Your stomach leaps into your throat and your heart pounds in excitement and fear. They tell you not to get your hopes up, and you try not to, but it is so hard. Because for so long now, you haven't allowed yourself to hope, because hope ends up hurting you worse then death. But now, even if it is a one in a million chance, its the one you're looking at, not the million. And you hope, you hope as long as you can and as hard as you can because not to do so would contradict the basis of human behavior.
A bomb can be stopped, i can be stopped, i can be saved. The mantra repeats over and over in your head like a battle cry. Because this is your fight, this is your war, and you damned sure are gonna win.
I have a chance to beat this, i have a chance to win, sure, its a slim chance, but if theres a thread of a chance, or even one single drop, hell i'll take it.
There are points in a battle where the soldier gets tired and wants to lie down and die, wants to escape the reality around him, do i feel like that? Yes i do. Then there are moments when someone gives the soldier a helping hand, puts him back on his feet, and his energy, his will to fight, is restored, do i feel like that too? Yes i do.
There was a time once, where i would gladly have rolled over in front of death, but not now, times have changed, and so have i.
Monday, June 8, 2015
Im leaving tomorow
Hey guys,
First off, i apologize that i was being selfish, that was not my intention at all and if any others feel that way.. i apologize as well. I was speaking my mind, that is all, im sure you understand, we all get like that sometime right? At this point i se no harm in expressing my true feelings as i have nothing too loose by saying them and nothing to gain by keeping them silent.
So im going to the new hospital tomorrow. Im kinda nervous, kinda scared, but im excited at the same time. I dont know whats going to happen but i hope its good. Thinking about that stuff yesterday? Its made me realize that i cant give up yet even if i want to, that i cant stop fighting now, even though i feel like i cant fight anymore, because Nico wouldn't want me to, im not fighting for me anymore, im fighting for him.
People often ask me what the hardest thing is to go through, they expect a normal answer, like the chemo, or the process of having your leg amputated, or knowing you have cancer in general, but no, all of that, you get used to it, it becomes a part of you that eventually after a while you have to accept it because if you dont you'll go insane. And yes i know what youre thinking, accept that youre dying of cancer! Doesnt that mean youre accepting death?!?! Well, news flash, nope, it doesnt, death is just a side affect of cancer, and cancer is a side affect of life. So in reality, youre accepting the fact that youre alive, but anyways, accepting cancer doesnt mean youre accepting death as well, it just means that youre acknowledging the fact that the cancer is present and you realize you cant cut it out of you or yell at it until it leaves, its a promise really, or a challenge, that you will fight as long as you can for as hard as you can until you are forced to give up.
I've come close sometimes, when i was feeling... blue..... to pulling the plug so to say. But i realized i cant, and not because i mentally or physically cant (though in my physical condition right now its a wonder i can still hold a pencil or type) its because i had this voice in the back of my head, not my voice, Nico's. He was telling me that if i did this now, that i would dishonor his last request, his dying wish, and that, more then cancer, i think, would kill me.
So when i leave tomorrow, i hope that they find the right buttons, the right combination to help me, because even if i never live past this summer, even if i dont live to see next christmas, even if i never achieve that golden star that is remission, it'll be okay because i'll know that i didnt give up, that i kept trying.
I'll try to get on tomorrow morning and say goodbye, I'll be back on the 25th. Wish me luck, and to those of you who have, as they say, had my back.... I love you +Cinde Luke +Nikhil Autar, thank you. If i dont get to say this agai, if the worst happens out there, thank you. I've told Jace to tell you if anything happens, I'd rather it come from him and James and my other friends then a hospital representative who doesn't really know me.
I wish i could say that i kept my strength this whole way, that i kept a smile on my face, but i didnt. And maybe thats okay, maybe we have to frown sometimes so we remember what it's like to smile.
And remember my friends, This is not goodbye, this is only goodnight
First off, i apologize that i was being selfish, that was not my intention at all and if any others feel that way.. i apologize as well. I was speaking my mind, that is all, im sure you understand, we all get like that sometime right? At this point i se no harm in expressing my true feelings as i have nothing too loose by saying them and nothing to gain by keeping them silent.
So im going to the new hospital tomorrow. Im kinda nervous, kinda scared, but im excited at the same time. I dont know whats going to happen but i hope its good. Thinking about that stuff yesterday? Its made me realize that i cant give up yet even if i want to, that i cant stop fighting now, even though i feel like i cant fight anymore, because Nico wouldn't want me to, im not fighting for me anymore, im fighting for him.
People often ask me what the hardest thing is to go through, they expect a normal answer, like the chemo, or the process of having your leg amputated, or knowing you have cancer in general, but no, all of that, you get used to it, it becomes a part of you that eventually after a while you have to accept it because if you dont you'll go insane. And yes i know what youre thinking, accept that youre dying of cancer! Doesnt that mean youre accepting death?!?! Well, news flash, nope, it doesnt, death is just a side affect of cancer, and cancer is a side affect of life. So in reality, youre accepting the fact that youre alive, but anyways, accepting cancer doesnt mean youre accepting death as well, it just means that youre acknowledging the fact that the cancer is present and you realize you cant cut it out of you or yell at it until it leaves, its a promise really, or a challenge, that you will fight as long as you can for as hard as you can until you are forced to give up.
I've come close sometimes, when i was feeling... blue..... to pulling the plug so to say. But i realized i cant, and not because i mentally or physically cant (though in my physical condition right now its a wonder i can still hold a pencil or type) its because i had this voice in the back of my head, not my voice, Nico's. He was telling me that if i did this now, that i would dishonor his last request, his dying wish, and that, more then cancer, i think, would kill me.
So when i leave tomorrow, i hope that they find the right buttons, the right combination to help me, because even if i never live past this summer, even if i dont live to see next christmas, even if i never achieve that golden star that is remission, it'll be okay because i'll know that i didnt give up, that i kept trying.
I'll try to get on tomorrow morning and say goodbye, I'll be back on the 25th. Wish me luck, and to those of you who have, as they say, had my back.... I love you +Cinde Luke +Nikhil Autar, thank you. If i dont get to say this agai, if the worst happens out there, thank you. I've told Jace to tell you if anything happens, I'd rather it come from him and James and my other friends then a hospital representative who doesn't really know me.
I wish i could say that i kept my strength this whole way, that i kept a smile on my face, but i didnt. And maybe thats okay, maybe we have to frown sometimes so we remember what it's like to smile.
And remember my friends, This is not goodbye, this is only goodnight
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Monster
They say thinking is a bad past time, and maybe thats true.
Ive had alot of time to think, to think about the good things, and the bad, more often the latter. I have nothing left for me here, its the truth, i have nothing left. I dont know why my body is still hanging on. I just want all the pain to end. I never escape it. Ever.
When i dream, i dream of Nico hat hurts, when i manage to stay conscious long enough to pop pain killers and look around the room, im in pain. I cant sit up, i cant walk anymore, i can barely eat, i cant even take ashower by myself! I am usless! Absolutely totally and completely usless! I depend on someone else for every little thing! Eating! Bathing! Getting places! Everything! And i hate it.
I dont want to depend on anyone else for things that i should be able to do myself. I hate it.
I hate the feeling of being useless. Its worse then watching someone else die in front of you and trying to help, I'm watching myself die and i know i cant do a single damn thing about it.
There are times, many times lately, where i just want to give up, i dont want the pain anymore, call me a coward, whatever, I've been fighting this for so long, ive honestly lost count of the years, two? three maybe? I dont know anymore. I try to be strong, i try to smile, to talk to everyone as if i'll see them in the morning tomorow, when i really dont want to. You can call me a coward, a chicken, laughable, whatever you want, it doesnt matter to me anymore. Im tired. Tired of fighting, tired of living like every moment i could keel over and not wake up, tired of trying to be happy, tired of fighting for each breath.......
Not many of you will understand this. But its the truth, this is the real me. I put on that smiling mask every morning to hide the monster underneath, well the masks off folks. Say hello to the monster, the moster that's me.
Ive had alot of time to think, to think about the good things, and the bad, more often the latter. I have nothing left for me here, its the truth, i have nothing left. I dont know why my body is still hanging on. I just want all the pain to end. I never escape it. Ever.
When i dream, i dream of Nico hat hurts, when i manage to stay conscious long enough to pop pain killers and look around the room, im in pain. I cant sit up, i cant walk anymore, i can barely eat, i cant even take ashower by myself! I am usless! Absolutely totally and completely usless! I depend on someone else for every little thing! Eating! Bathing! Getting places! Everything! And i hate it.
I dont want to depend on anyone else for things that i should be able to do myself. I hate it.
I hate the feeling of being useless. Its worse then watching someone else die in front of you and trying to help, I'm watching myself die and i know i cant do a single damn thing about it.
There are times, many times lately, where i just want to give up, i dont want the pain anymore, call me a coward, whatever, I've been fighting this for so long, ive honestly lost count of the years, two? three maybe? I dont know anymore. I try to be strong, i try to smile, to talk to everyone as if i'll see them in the morning tomorow, when i really dont want to. You can call me a coward, a chicken, laughable, whatever you want, it doesnt matter to me anymore. Im tired. Tired of fighting, tired of living like every moment i could keel over and not wake up, tired of trying to be happy, tired of fighting for each breath.......
Not many of you will understand this. But its the truth, this is the real me. I put on that smiling mask every morning to hide the monster underneath, well the masks off folks. Say hello to the monster, the moster that's me.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Jake
Hey guys,
So frist important announcement. The doctors are switching me to a different hospital in a couple days. I'll be there for about three weeks so far.
Second.
Hello my friends,
SO, I'm trying to blog everyday. I don't know if i'll be able to but i'm going to try to. Its the thought that counts right?
Well today was intresting. It started off with some questions.
I was sitting in my wheelchair in the art room, staring at a blank canvas when another patient hobbled in on crutches. He sat down across from me on the faded red couch and stared out the window. I looked up at him. He was young, 14 maybe. He turned towards me, his eyes seemingly staring past me. He was blind. I immediately liked him, just by looking at him. Yea, it may sound crazy, but i connected with him on a deeper level in just a second. "You're pretty brave kid" I said to him, he smiled at me. "We're all brave." I looked at him for a moment, surprised, because that was something i said all the time. "I'm Jake" he said, offering out his hand, I slowly streatched out my shaking hand. He gripped it firmly and i gave his hand a small squeeze, (the best i could manage in my current state). "Aden" I said. He looked surprised. "Oh!" Jake exclaimed, "so you're Aden Grey!" I nodded, and then realizing he couldn't see me I said yes, i was.
"I've heard about you"
"Really?"
"Yes," Jake said. "All good things though" he cracked a smile.
I smiled back at him. "Are you going to paint something?" He asked. I was momentarily stumped on how he had figured out that I was staring at a blank canvas. He seemed to sense my confusion. "i touched it as I came in, if there had been any paint on the canvas it would have felt sticky, and heavy, kind of wet sometimes, but not so wet it comes off on your fingers." I looked at him, impressed.
"Can I ask you something?" he said, hesitantly, almost as if he was scared to ask. "Sure" I replied, wondering what he was going to say, I tried to shift my weight in the chair but the effort made spots dance in front of my eyes. "What is it like to be in love?" Again, i was surprised, whatever i had expected him to ask, it wasn't that.
I thought for a moment. "Its like learning to walk all over again, its like loosing yourself, all of yourself, and then rediscovering it again. Its like a rollercoaster, it has its ups and dows but every rollercoaster has its hills. Some more then most, and some less then many. Everytime youre around the person you love, its as if you're finally complete, like you're heat is whole. Its like-" I broke off, my voice choking up, I was thinking of Nico, of all the times we had spent together. "Its like nothing else in this world." I paused again and took a steadying breath. "when Nico was alive, before everything went bad......" I sighed heavily, a heavy brick wall pressing itself onto my shoulders.
"He was my world, my everything, the reason i woke up in the morning, the reason i fell asleep at night. The reason I ate, walked, talked. The reason I fought. He's the reason i fought to stay alive, because i would wake up at night and wonder what if i left, what if he left, what if i never got to say goodbye. So we made a pact, that each of us would fight as long as we could even if the other left before. He made me promise that I would never forget him, that i would live as long as i could, if i could, and that i would never stop fighting just because he was gone. The night he died, i thought my heart would burst. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end, it wasn't physical, it wasn't anything that pain killers could help, it was internal, i felt as if someone had ripped part of me away and left me raw and venerable to the world. I was empty. I felt nothing and everything at the same time. I cared about nothing and everything in the same moment. I was both alive and dead. And in that moment, i realized how much I loved him, how much i depended on him, how much he meant to me, and how much i would-" I stopped my flow of words, hot tears racing down my cheeks. "how much i would miss him"
Jake had kept silent the whole time, now he got up and hobbled carefully over to me, feeling his way to my side. He wrapped his arms around my neck and i felt his small body convulse. He was crying with me. I squeezed him gently. My head spun, my heart pounded in my chest. "That sounds beautiful" Jake whispered in my ear.
After a few hours of talking, my headache grew worse and i started to feel faint, my hands shook and i felt as though i would pass out. Jake pressed the button for me on the side of my wheelchair and my nurse, Claire, came to take me back to my room. Jake promised that he would visit me later. Before I left, Jake put his hand on mine and said quite seriously. "Paint a river, rivers are eternal, all of the water, though it may dry up in one place, always connects with another, becuase the rivers all connect somewhere. Just like your love for eachother, your courage, and your hope, they never truly die."
So frist important announcement. The doctors are switching me to a different hospital in a couple days. I'll be there for about three weeks so far.
Second.
Hello my friends,
SO, I'm trying to blog everyday. I don't know if i'll be able to but i'm going to try to. Its the thought that counts right?
Well today was intresting. It started off with some questions.
I was sitting in my wheelchair in the art room, staring at a blank canvas when another patient hobbled in on crutches. He sat down across from me on the faded red couch and stared out the window. I looked up at him. He was young, 14 maybe. He turned towards me, his eyes seemingly staring past me. He was blind. I immediately liked him, just by looking at him. Yea, it may sound crazy, but i connected with him on a deeper level in just a second. "You're pretty brave kid" I said to him, he smiled at me. "We're all brave." I looked at him for a moment, surprised, because that was something i said all the time. "I'm Jake" he said, offering out his hand, I slowly streatched out my shaking hand. He gripped it firmly and i gave his hand a small squeeze, (the best i could manage in my current state). "Aden" I said. He looked surprised. "Oh!" Jake exclaimed, "so you're Aden Grey!" I nodded, and then realizing he couldn't see me I said yes, i was.
"I've heard about you"
"Really?"
"Yes," Jake said. "All good things though" he cracked a smile.
I smiled back at him. "Are you going to paint something?" He asked. I was momentarily stumped on how he had figured out that I was staring at a blank canvas. He seemed to sense my confusion. "i touched it as I came in, if there had been any paint on the canvas it would have felt sticky, and heavy, kind of wet sometimes, but not so wet it comes off on your fingers." I looked at him, impressed.
"Can I ask you something?" he said, hesitantly, almost as if he was scared to ask. "Sure" I replied, wondering what he was going to say, I tried to shift my weight in the chair but the effort made spots dance in front of my eyes. "What is it like to be in love?" Again, i was surprised, whatever i had expected him to ask, it wasn't that.
I thought for a moment. "Its like learning to walk all over again, its like loosing yourself, all of yourself, and then rediscovering it again. Its like a rollercoaster, it has its ups and dows but every rollercoaster has its hills. Some more then most, and some less then many. Everytime youre around the person you love, its as if you're finally complete, like you're heat is whole. Its like-" I broke off, my voice choking up, I was thinking of Nico, of all the times we had spent together. "Its like nothing else in this world." I paused again and took a steadying breath. "when Nico was alive, before everything went bad......" I sighed heavily, a heavy brick wall pressing itself onto my shoulders.
"He was my world, my everything, the reason i woke up in the morning, the reason i fell asleep at night. The reason I ate, walked, talked. The reason I fought. He's the reason i fought to stay alive, because i would wake up at night and wonder what if i left, what if he left, what if i never got to say goodbye. So we made a pact, that each of us would fight as long as we could even if the other left before. He made me promise that I would never forget him, that i would live as long as i could, if i could, and that i would never stop fighting just because he was gone. The night he died, i thought my heart would burst. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to end, it wasn't physical, it wasn't anything that pain killers could help, it was internal, i felt as if someone had ripped part of me away and left me raw and venerable to the world. I was empty. I felt nothing and everything at the same time. I cared about nothing and everything in the same moment. I was both alive and dead. And in that moment, i realized how much I loved him, how much i depended on him, how much he meant to me, and how much i would-" I stopped my flow of words, hot tears racing down my cheeks. "how much i would miss him"
Jake had kept silent the whole time, now he got up and hobbled carefully over to me, feeling his way to my side. He wrapped his arms around my neck and i felt his small body convulse. He was crying with me. I squeezed him gently. My head spun, my heart pounded in my chest. "That sounds beautiful" Jake whispered in my ear.
After a few hours of talking, my headache grew worse and i started to feel faint, my hands shook and i felt as though i would pass out. Jake pressed the button for me on the side of my wheelchair and my nurse, Claire, came to take me back to my room. Jake promised that he would visit me later. Before I left, Jake put his hand on mine and said quite seriously. "Paint a river, rivers are eternal, all of the water, though it may dry up in one place, always connects with another, becuase the rivers all connect somewhere. Just like your love for eachother, your courage, and your hope, they never truly die."
Thursday, June 4, 2015
The day you realize its for real
Hey you guys,
I apologize that I havent been on much at all. As promised, i will tell you about the first time his parents came to visit me. Im not going to go into great detail because if i do i wont have then energy to continue the rest of this blog. So here goes:
I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon to a nurse holding a phone in her hand and shaking my shoulder. "Its for you" she said, as if that wasn't already obvious. I nodded and took the telephone from her, holding it loosely to my ear. "Hello?" I asked, my voice hesitant. A light female voice answered mine.
"Hello, is this Aden Grey?"
"Yes"
"This is Claire Johnson"
I paused, not recognizing the name.
"Nico's foster mother"
And those three words. Those simple words, felt like a stab to the heart with an incredibly sharp knife.
"Oh" I said. What else was i supposes to say.
"We'd like to come and visit you. Do you think that would be okay with you?"
She spoke to me gently, her voice calm.
"Yes." I replied "yes i think that would be fine."
I was hallow, i was empty, but every nerve inside of me buzzed, the whole world buzzed.
Apperantly I passed out. The doctors said shock. I tend to agree.
When they came to visit it was much like the second time. We talked about me, my likes, my dislikes, my hobbies, my talents, what i was reading, my favorite places to go on vacation. The subject of Nico was never broached. I was glad, i did not feel ready to talk about it. Even to those who knew him perhaps better then i did.
Now up to present day.
I'm getting weaker. I can feel it. I want to sit up, i want to run and jump and play, hell I want to walk. I feel like i can, but as soon as i try to even raise my head, my body tells me 'no, absolutely not mister', even though my mind says yes.
I've lost weight too. 16 pounds so far. Nicos parents noticed last time they came. As they were leaving i heard them say that i was turning into a skeleton. And maybe i am.
I've had loads of time to think. I've written songs, poems, short stories, that i hope someday someone will see.
The doctors are calling for more tests to be done, i dont see what good itll do now though, we all know which way im headed.
I apologize that I havent been on much at all. As promised, i will tell you about the first time his parents came to visit me. Im not going to go into great detail because if i do i wont have then energy to continue the rest of this blog. So here goes:
I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon to a nurse holding a phone in her hand and shaking my shoulder. "Its for you" she said, as if that wasn't already obvious. I nodded and took the telephone from her, holding it loosely to my ear. "Hello?" I asked, my voice hesitant. A light female voice answered mine.
"Hello, is this Aden Grey?"
"Yes"
"This is Claire Johnson"
I paused, not recognizing the name.
"Nico's foster mother"
And those three words. Those simple words, felt like a stab to the heart with an incredibly sharp knife.
"Oh" I said. What else was i supposes to say.
"We'd like to come and visit you. Do you think that would be okay with you?"
She spoke to me gently, her voice calm.
"Yes." I replied "yes i think that would be fine."
I was hallow, i was empty, but every nerve inside of me buzzed, the whole world buzzed.
Apperantly I passed out. The doctors said shock. I tend to agree.
When they came to visit it was much like the second time. We talked about me, my likes, my dislikes, my hobbies, my talents, what i was reading, my favorite places to go on vacation. The subject of Nico was never broached. I was glad, i did not feel ready to talk about it. Even to those who knew him perhaps better then i did.
Now up to present day.
I'm getting weaker. I can feel it. I want to sit up, i want to run and jump and play, hell I want to walk. I feel like i can, but as soon as i try to even raise my head, my body tells me 'no, absolutely not mister', even though my mind says yes.
I've lost weight too. 16 pounds so far. Nicos parents noticed last time they came. As they were leaving i heard them say that i was turning into a skeleton. And maybe i am.
I've had loads of time to think. I've written songs, poems, short stories, that i hope someday someone will see.
The doctors are calling for more tests to be done, i dont see what good itll do now though, we all know which way im headed.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Wishes are like glass
I know i promised to write about what happened but i cant bring myself to do it yet. I will on Sunday, i just still need time to make peace with myself. Im hanging on. As hard as i can.
His parents came to see me again yesterday.
It was worse then last time. They were crying when they walked in. I didnt know what to do so i hugged them.
The only thing worse then dying of cancer is having a kid who dies of cancer. I can understand that now. Seeing their pain, its awful.......
They brought me a gift yesterday, it was something they had found in a box in their mailbox. The box had large red letters on it that said "NOT TO BE OPENED UNLESS THE WORST HAPPENS TO ME"
It was a small box. Unconspicious. At first they thought it was a joke but then, when Nico died, they finally opened it. There was a card in it for them, and a nothe saying that what the box contained was for me. They came in and sat on the end of my bed as I opened it. They didnt say anything. And neither did I. My hands shook so badly that i could barely get the tape off the top. I saw his mother look away as I struggled to open it. I felt gulilty, i was hurting her, i tried to stop my hands from shaking but i eventually gave up. Inside the box was white tissue paper. And inside that, nestled deep down, was another box, small, black velvet.
I looked up at his parents. Again, they didnt say anything, but they didnt have to, i already knew what was in the box.
I think i cired then, im not really sure. His parents told me that in their note, it said to give it to me so i would always have a piece of his heart with me, so that i would never forget, and so that he could be close to me as well.
I dont think ive ever cried as hard as i did then since the day he died.
I'm wearing two wedding rings now, both on a necklace around my neck, one is mine, and one is his.
And I will never forget him.
Im not sure i could even if i tried.
His parents came to see me again yesterday.
It was worse then last time. They were crying when they walked in. I didnt know what to do so i hugged them.
The only thing worse then dying of cancer is having a kid who dies of cancer. I can understand that now. Seeing their pain, its awful.......
They brought me a gift yesterday, it was something they had found in a box in their mailbox. The box had large red letters on it that said "NOT TO BE OPENED UNLESS THE WORST HAPPENS TO ME"
It was a small box. Unconspicious. At first they thought it was a joke but then, when Nico died, they finally opened it. There was a card in it for them, and a nothe saying that what the box contained was for me. They came in and sat on the end of my bed as I opened it. They didnt say anything. And neither did I. My hands shook so badly that i could barely get the tape off the top. I saw his mother look away as I struggled to open it. I felt gulilty, i was hurting her, i tried to stop my hands from shaking but i eventually gave up. Inside the box was white tissue paper. And inside that, nestled deep down, was another box, small, black velvet.
I looked up at his parents. Again, they didnt say anything, but they didnt have to, i already knew what was in the box.
I think i cired then, im not really sure. His parents told me that in their note, it said to give it to me so i would always have a piece of his heart with me, so that i would never forget, and so that he could be close to me as well.
I dont think ive ever cried as hard as i did then since the day he died.
I'm wearing two wedding rings now, both on a necklace around my neck, one is mine, and one is his.
And I will never forget him.
Im not sure i could even if i tried.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Its been a while my old friends
Hey you guys,
Sorry. Yea... I know.. its been a while. I have barely been on. I promise with all my heart that i'll blog tomorow. Two pages or two and a half. I'll catch you guys up on whats happened since my meeting with Nico's parents. (And i'll tell you about that too). Wish me luck please.
Love always.
Aden
Sorry. Yea... I know.. its been a while. I have barely been on. I promise with all my heart that i'll blog tomorow. Two pages or two and a half. I'll catch you guys up on whats happened since my meeting with Nico's parents. (And i'll tell you about that too). Wish me luck please.
Love always.
Aden
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Surprise
Hey you guys. I havent been feeling to great recently. Just getting worse. Dont have alot of energy. Im planning on writing a longer blog tomorow. Sorry about this short one. Today was really hard for me. Nico's parents showed up to vist. It was rough, i'll tell you guys more about it tomorow.
Friday, May 15, 2015
My Life In A Nutshell
Okay, SO alot of people are comparing my life to movies or tv shows or books. Its great that you like those things but my life isnt the same. I cant press pause or rewind and try it over again. Although i wish i could. But life isnt that simple. Hell, life is complicated, but thats what makes it beautiful. All the bad things that happen to us, all the bad things we see or hear or even do, those are bumps, just bumps, and yes, some of those bumps are more like mountians but where theres a downhill theres always an uphill. Aperantly today i'm an optimist.
I apologize ahead of time if anything in this blog or anything in my upcoming blogs is misspelled or seems weird or out of place, or if i mix up names and places and things. My mind isnt all that great right now.
They repainted my room today. I guess i've been here long enough that i can ask them to if i want. I didn't think they would but surprise surprise they did. My room is now pale blue. I quite liek it. :) . Carter asked me if she could write a blog on here so when she's feeling better i told her she could. I'm really worried about her though. She weighs about 86 pounds, when she came in two weeks ago she weighed 80 so shes gained soem weight, but still.....its worrying.
I've had more PET scans taken. Still the same old same old. I'm still a firefly. Or an atom bomb. I prefer to think firefly. They're much more lovable.
Energy is really becoming a problem. I barely have enough to type and currently Jase is typing this for me because my hands weren't steady enough.
I haven't really told anyone this but.. i'm scared. I should have been dead already. Don't get me wrong, i love being alive. Breathing is a really big plus. Its just that i've startes noticing how people treat me. I dont know how i didnt notice it before. They tiptoe around me as if im going to fall over dead at any second. And mabye i will. Hell, i feel like i could.
The doctors say that theres not much more they can do at this point but keep me as comfortable as they can. They didnt say it to my face mind you, Jase over heard them. I dont blame them though, its not their fault. Cancer is just too good. Its too clever, too wily, its like a snake in a way. Or a bullet, you dont see it, its kind of fuzzy, and then it hits you, literally. I'm grateful for everything everyones done for me. I know its not easy watching someone die... by God i know how hard that is........
Anyways, it does no good thinking like that, in fact ive been trying not to think as much because then one thought leads to the other and most of them not good ones. Sometimes i consider taking myself off of the IV drip. When im in a bad place, i just want it all to end. But i force myself not to. I think the nurses know though, she caught me almost do it one day but she didnt say anything, not to me at least, but she must have told the doctors because theyve moved the IV to where i cant reach it. I think she understands though. Her son just recently killed himself. She went home and he had overdosed. She said she had no idea it was coming, but that she had noticed things, she just didnt connect all the dots in time. I feel bad for her, she told me the oher day that i had become almost like a second son to her. I will miss her alot i think. Alice is a wondeful person. I do hope she achives her dream, she wants to be a journalist. She would be a wonderful journalist.
To all those out there in a rough spot. Hang on. Life is worth living. You just have to look beyond the horizin, and see the light.
I apologize ahead of time if anything in this blog or anything in my upcoming blogs is misspelled or seems weird or out of place, or if i mix up names and places and things. My mind isnt all that great right now.
They repainted my room today. I guess i've been here long enough that i can ask them to if i want. I didn't think they would but surprise surprise they did. My room is now pale blue. I quite liek it. :) . Carter asked me if she could write a blog on here so when she's feeling better i told her she could. I'm really worried about her though. She weighs about 86 pounds, when she came in two weeks ago she weighed 80 so shes gained soem weight, but still.....its worrying.
I've had more PET scans taken. Still the same old same old. I'm still a firefly. Or an atom bomb. I prefer to think firefly. They're much more lovable.
Energy is really becoming a problem. I barely have enough to type and currently Jase is typing this for me because my hands weren't steady enough.
I haven't really told anyone this but.. i'm scared. I should have been dead already. Don't get me wrong, i love being alive. Breathing is a really big plus. Its just that i've startes noticing how people treat me. I dont know how i didnt notice it before. They tiptoe around me as if im going to fall over dead at any second. And mabye i will. Hell, i feel like i could.
The doctors say that theres not much more they can do at this point but keep me as comfortable as they can. They didnt say it to my face mind you, Jase over heard them. I dont blame them though, its not their fault. Cancer is just too good. Its too clever, too wily, its like a snake in a way. Or a bullet, you dont see it, its kind of fuzzy, and then it hits you, literally. I'm grateful for everything everyones done for me. I know its not easy watching someone die... by God i know how hard that is........
Anyways, it does no good thinking like that, in fact ive been trying not to think as much because then one thought leads to the other and most of them not good ones. Sometimes i consider taking myself off of the IV drip. When im in a bad place, i just want it all to end. But i force myself not to. I think the nurses know though, she caught me almost do it one day but she didnt say anything, not to me at least, but she must have told the doctors because theyve moved the IV to where i cant reach it. I think she understands though. Her son just recently killed himself. She went home and he had overdosed. She said she had no idea it was coming, but that she had noticed things, she just didnt connect all the dots in time. I feel bad for her, she told me the oher day that i had become almost like a second son to her. I will miss her alot i think. Alice is a wondeful person. I do hope she achives her dream, she wants to be a journalist. She would be a wonderful journalist.
To all those out there in a rough spot. Hang on. Life is worth living. You just have to look beyond the horizin, and see the light.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Judgement Day
Today was intresting. I really do think thats the only way to describe it. It started of normally, or as normal of a day as i can have at least.
I woke up.
And then I couldnt breathe.
I panicked momentarily. I forgot where I was, I forgot who I was. My mind flashed back to when I was four years old and I had almost drowned in my family's well. Aperantly I did make a noise because Jase and Leo came running into my room and one or the other of them pressed the emergency call button.
I don't really remember much from that moment on until I woke up again. (They told me I had passed out) but I do remember waking up and seeing all three of them sitting around me n the bed. They all looked extremely scared. I coughed once, clearing my throat. "So" I said quietly. "Had a good morning?" They all laughed and so did I. I'm glad, that even in times like this we still have the abilty to laugh. Its one of the most remarkable things about human beings, our resilience i mean. Think of all the times we as humans have done something bad to ourselves, or had something horrible happen. We always rise up again no matter what. So though we do alot of crappy things, well, we do alot of good things too.
One of my freinds from school called me today. He and I used to be best friends. Then all of this happened to me and... I dont know. I guess he just got scared of it. So we stopped talking. I didnt want to hurt him. Anyways, he called me for the first time in four months.
I picked up the phone. "Hello?" I said hesitantly. "Hey" a gruff voice answered mine and I nearly dropped the phone in shock. I stared at the reciever, holding it about a foot away from me as if it might explode. "Tommy?" I said incredously, quite shell shocked. "Yea man," he said "its me". I paused for a moment to consider this. "Well, um, why did you call?" I asked. "I just..." now it was his turn to pause. When he spoke again I was surprised to hear that his voice was filled with emotion. "I'm ashamed, I left you and tried to avoid you, but i couldnt stop thinking about you. I kept thinking, what if you bit it and i didnt know and then i decided to call but they told me you were gone?" Tom paused again, "i guess the better part of me won and, well, here i am."
We talked about school, about soccer. About anything we wanted. It was like nothing had changed. For a minute I could colse my eyes and pretend that I was in my bed, at my house, home sick from school, and that was it. No cancer, no dying, just temporarily sick.
Well it was a nice daydream. My art teacher has kept in contact with me though. She asked me if I would be willing to paint something representing my emotions right now, and I told her I would.
I have an idea of what i'm going to do. I think i might take a picture and post it on here. Its going to be hard to paint though. I havent painted since he died. I just havent had the energy.
Thats one of my main problems right now, energy. Or to be more precise, my lack of it.
Carter passed out today and fell down a flight of stairs. She should be okay but she still refuses to eat. I hate seeing her like this. I wish there was something I could do but I know there isn't.
Love to all,
Me
I woke up.
And then I couldnt breathe.
I panicked momentarily. I forgot where I was, I forgot who I was. My mind flashed back to when I was four years old and I had almost drowned in my family's well. Aperantly I did make a noise because Jase and Leo came running into my room and one or the other of them pressed the emergency call button.
I don't really remember much from that moment on until I woke up again. (They told me I had passed out) but I do remember waking up and seeing all three of them sitting around me n the bed. They all looked extremely scared. I coughed once, clearing my throat. "So" I said quietly. "Had a good morning?" They all laughed and so did I. I'm glad, that even in times like this we still have the abilty to laugh. Its one of the most remarkable things about human beings, our resilience i mean. Think of all the times we as humans have done something bad to ourselves, or had something horrible happen. We always rise up again no matter what. So though we do alot of crappy things, well, we do alot of good things too.
One of my freinds from school called me today. He and I used to be best friends. Then all of this happened to me and... I dont know. I guess he just got scared of it. So we stopped talking. I didnt want to hurt him. Anyways, he called me for the first time in four months.
I picked up the phone. "Hello?" I said hesitantly. "Hey" a gruff voice answered mine and I nearly dropped the phone in shock. I stared at the reciever, holding it about a foot away from me as if it might explode. "Tommy?" I said incredously, quite shell shocked. "Yea man," he said "its me". I paused for a moment to consider this. "Well, um, why did you call?" I asked. "I just..." now it was his turn to pause. When he spoke again I was surprised to hear that his voice was filled with emotion. "I'm ashamed, I left you and tried to avoid you, but i couldnt stop thinking about you. I kept thinking, what if you bit it and i didnt know and then i decided to call but they told me you were gone?" Tom paused again, "i guess the better part of me won and, well, here i am."
We talked about school, about soccer. About anything we wanted. It was like nothing had changed. For a minute I could colse my eyes and pretend that I was in my bed, at my house, home sick from school, and that was it. No cancer, no dying, just temporarily sick.
Well it was a nice daydream. My art teacher has kept in contact with me though. She asked me if I would be willing to paint something representing my emotions right now, and I told her I would.
I have an idea of what i'm going to do. I think i might take a picture and post it on here. Its going to be hard to paint though. I havent painted since he died. I just havent had the energy.
Thats one of my main problems right now, energy. Or to be more precise, my lack of it.
Carter passed out today and fell down a flight of stairs. She should be okay but she still refuses to eat. I hate seeing her like this. I wish there was something I could do but I know there isn't.
Love to all,
Me
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
My Race
Okay, so i know i havent blogged in a long long time. Im sorry for that. I meant to keep up with it, really, i did. Its just, life, or the lack of it, has gotten in the way quite a lot. Today was no different then the countless days before. I woke up, lay in bed until around 10:00, recieved another does of medicine in a hopless attempt to make me better. These days i dont have the energy to do much but think. I think about lots of things, thousands of things, billions of things.
I think about my past. About my life in Italy. I think about Nico. I think about him alot. Probably more then i should. But its still an ache, not dull, as some would describe it, no, its a sharp ache. Which i know is kind of contradictory.
I think about my family, I try to imagine what it would be like if they were all still alive, if they came and visited me. If one day soon, before i'm gone, they just popped up like "surprise! We're not dead!"
I know im dying. I can feel my body shutting down. Every fiber of my mind is straining to live, and yet every fiber of my body wants to let go. Soemtimes i wish i could let go. To just float on that endless ocean, not a care in the world. It would be wonderful. But i cant. I'll wake up sometimes and my friend Carter will be looking down at me, her eyes will be red and puffy. I'll ask her whats wrong. And she always smiles and says nothing. But ive heard her talking to my other friends, Jase and Lane. When they ask her whats wrong she looks at them and says, quietly, so i wont hear, but i do anyways. She says. "I keep having nightmares that I wake up and he's dead" The 'he' being me. Carter has alot of problems, Anorexia, Bullimia, Night Terrors, she gets seziures and sometimes for days on ened won't know who or where she is. Dementia they say it is. Teenage Dementia, which apperantly is a real thing even though ive never heard of it before.
It kills me to know im hurting them. But they're also the reason I can't let go. Carter came into my room this morning and wrapped her arms around me, her skinny body sharp and bony against mine. I knew she had had another nightmare. I hugged her tightly. I could feel her spine through her T-shirt. "Are you eating?" I asked her. She tried to glare at me but couldn't, she was to worn down. She just shook her head and looked at me sadly. I nodded. I understood how she felt. I hated seeing her starving herself to death and she hated seeing me dying of an incurable disease. "I hate this" she muttered mutionously and I nodded again. Carter picked up a book off of my nightstand and began reading. It was Moby Dick, I recognized it as soom as she started. Carter has a great reading voice, she can do the voices of every single character differently, she draws you in to the story so much that you forget youre actually still in a hospital room. Its amazing. I must have fallen asleep sometime around Chapter 9.
I think in my situation and in others, the hardest thing to hold onto isnt life, but hope.
I think about my past. About my life in Italy. I think about Nico. I think about him alot. Probably more then i should. But its still an ache, not dull, as some would describe it, no, its a sharp ache. Which i know is kind of contradictory.
I think about my family, I try to imagine what it would be like if they were all still alive, if they came and visited me. If one day soon, before i'm gone, they just popped up like "surprise! We're not dead!"
I know im dying. I can feel my body shutting down. Every fiber of my mind is straining to live, and yet every fiber of my body wants to let go. Soemtimes i wish i could let go. To just float on that endless ocean, not a care in the world. It would be wonderful. But i cant. I'll wake up sometimes and my friend Carter will be looking down at me, her eyes will be red and puffy. I'll ask her whats wrong. And she always smiles and says nothing. But ive heard her talking to my other friends, Jase and Lane. When they ask her whats wrong she looks at them and says, quietly, so i wont hear, but i do anyways. She says. "I keep having nightmares that I wake up and he's dead" The 'he' being me. Carter has alot of problems, Anorexia, Bullimia, Night Terrors, she gets seziures and sometimes for days on ened won't know who or where she is. Dementia they say it is. Teenage Dementia, which apperantly is a real thing even though ive never heard of it before.
It kills me to know im hurting them. But they're also the reason I can't let go. Carter came into my room this morning and wrapped her arms around me, her skinny body sharp and bony against mine. I knew she had had another nightmare. I hugged her tightly. I could feel her spine through her T-shirt. "Are you eating?" I asked her. She tried to glare at me but couldn't, she was to worn down. She just shook her head and looked at me sadly. I nodded. I understood how she felt. I hated seeing her starving herself to death and she hated seeing me dying of an incurable disease. "I hate this" she muttered mutionously and I nodded again. Carter picked up a book off of my nightstand and began reading. It was Moby Dick, I recognized it as soom as she started. Carter has a great reading voice, she can do the voices of every single character differently, she draws you in to the story so much that you forget youre actually still in a hospital room. Its amazing. I must have fallen asleep sometime around Chapter 9.
I think in my situation and in others, the hardest thing to hold onto isnt life, but hope.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Nicos dead
Nico passed away at 6:20, his heart stopped , i was with him, i dont know what to do anymore. I feel like someone just killed me, i.... i dont know what to do.... i dont want to do anything... i dont even want to breathe anymore.... i just want to... i just want to hear his voice again
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Monday, April 6, 2015
Nico is dying
He's even worse today. They dont expect him to last the week. Im sorry, i would write more but... i just dont have the will right now. I've been with him nonstop for the past day and a hlaf, im afraid that if i leave he'll be......well he wont be there anymore
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Nico is dying
He's dying. It was me in that bed a few days ago, how did things change so fast? I dont want him to leave. I'll let you know when something happens...... +Cinde Luke and +Nikhil Autar please message me, i dont know what to do im terrified
Friday, April 3, 2015
IM BACK!
Hey you guys, Its me, Aden, I'm back.
I suppose Nico told you what was going on with me. Well im slowly getting better, I feel well enough to type now anyhow. He's getting worse though. I hate it. It's like we're trading places, as soon as I start to get a bit better.... he takes a sharp right turn for the worst.
Im sorry to all of htose who ive hurt and who ive caused to worry. And i thank all of those who have stuck by me.
Please pray for Nico. I know he wont last long. And it terrifies me...
I suppose Nico told you what was going on with me. Well im slowly getting better, I feel well enough to type now anyhow. He's getting worse though. I hate it. It's like we're trading places, as soon as I start to get a bit better.... he takes a sharp right turn for the worst.
Im sorry to all of htose who ive hurt and who ive caused to worry. And i thank all of those who have stuck by me.
Please pray for Nico. I know he wont last long. And it terrifies me...
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Update:
Update:
Well today wasnt so good. Its getting harder and harder to do every day things. Aden is a bit better then he was yesterday. He was awake long enough that I could tell him what happened to me. He asked me why i hadn't told him earlier. He asked me why the doctors hadn't told him.
"Because i asked them not to. I dont want to bring you even more pain then youre already in. Im not worth that"
He just hugged me and told me everything would be okay. He know's im dying. He knows I wont last long now. But he doesnt give up. And thats why I love him.
I asked one of my friends in the hospital with me (Lucy Evans) to type this for me because I cant muster the strength to type for this long by myself.
Recently, one of my friends on here posted something about Aden and I. I don't know if i can really say all i'm feeling... but it brought me to tears. Its just good to know that someone, even someone who you don't know in real life, cares. I'm glad that our stories have touched people. I just wish.... well I guess not all stories have a happy ending huh?
Aden is improving from where he was before. He can get up now and wheel around for a short while. I'm glad. It's good to see him up again. For a while there.. I was worried he would'nt make it through this bout of sickness. The doctors bumped up the ammount of Chemo theyre giving him and it seems that its helping the cancer in his brain shrink.
Me on the other hand...... Well I couldnt sleep last night and I overheard the doctors talking outside my room about how they don't think they can do anything else to help me. That i'm in enough pain as it is now that it will only get worse and that the kindest thing to do would be to pull the plug when the time comes. Its funny though, i dont feel any pain. Mabye they keep me drugged up so much that I cant feel it. I wouldnt be surprised.
They took an scan of my heart this morning and the hole is still not healing. They said that at any moment really the worst could happen.
It was at 2 am this morning that they said something that really made me mad.
"Either cancer will take him or this hole will but either way he's a goner"
They talk about me like im already dead. And im NOT! I KNOW IM DYING THANKS! I CAN FEEL IT! I KNOW! I DONT NEED YOU TO TALK ABOUT ME LIKE IM ALREADY GONE!
because im not.... im ... right... here
Well today wasnt so good. Its getting harder and harder to do every day things. Aden is a bit better then he was yesterday. He was awake long enough that I could tell him what happened to me. He asked me why i hadn't told him earlier. He asked me why the doctors hadn't told him.
"Because i asked them not to. I dont want to bring you even more pain then youre already in. Im not worth that"
He just hugged me and told me everything would be okay. He know's im dying. He knows I wont last long now. But he doesnt give up. And thats why I love him.
I asked one of my friends in the hospital with me (Lucy Evans) to type this for me because I cant muster the strength to type for this long by myself.
Recently, one of my friends on here posted something about Aden and I. I don't know if i can really say all i'm feeling... but it brought me to tears. Its just good to know that someone, even someone who you don't know in real life, cares. I'm glad that our stories have touched people. I just wish.... well I guess not all stories have a happy ending huh?
Aden is improving from where he was before. He can get up now and wheel around for a short while. I'm glad. It's good to see him up again. For a while there.. I was worried he would'nt make it through this bout of sickness. The doctors bumped up the ammount of Chemo theyre giving him and it seems that its helping the cancer in his brain shrink.
Me on the other hand...... Well I couldnt sleep last night and I overheard the doctors talking outside my room about how they don't think they can do anything else to help me. That i'm in enough pain as it is now that it will only get worse and that the kindest thing to do would be to pull the plug when the time comes. Its funny though, i dont feel any pain. Mabye they keep me drugged up so much that I cant feel it. I wouldnt be surprised.
They took an scan of my heart this morning and the hole is still not healing. They said that at any moment really the worst could happen.
It was at 2 am this morning that they said something that really made me mad.
"Either cancer will take him or this hole will but either way he's a goner"
They talk about me like im already dead. And im NOT! I KNOW IM DYING THANKS! I CAN FEEL IT! I KNOW! I DONT NEED YOU TO TALK ABOUT ME LIKE IM ALREADY GONE!
because im not.... im ... right... here
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
I havent told Nico this because I dont want him to worry.....
I just feel useless. I'm watching Aden die right in front of me and meanwhile I'm dying too. I havent told him because.. well.. i dont want him to worry about me, he's got enough on his plate to deal with. But the doctors said that if i keep getting worse then they dont expect me to last long anyways. The cancer that i have had in my lugs is spreading faster and its getting worse as to be expected. I also have a hole in my heart, im not sure if you knew that or not. Its not a normal atrial septal defect (ASD) either, it isnt healing, its getting worse, they said the cancer is somehow stopping it form healing............i just... i want to tell Aden whats going on but at the same time i dont because then he'll worry about me. The doctors said that anytime soon i should start to not be able to function. Akkready my kidneys have been shutting down and my heart has failed about 4 times. my sights going bluury at times and i forget where i am sometimes. i can feel myself dying. I can feel my body shutting down and at times i just want to let it. I can see Aden dying but i know that by the time he does i'll already be dead. He doesn't know how bad my condition is because i cant bring myself to tell him because i know it will cause him pain...and i cant stand that.
The last thing i said to him before he went under anesthesia, and before I could tell him anything was this.
"I promise i'll be here when you get out"
And now? I don't think I'm going to be.
And part of me is glad of that. I don't want him to see me like this. In the past week that he's been in the ICU I have changed so much I don't think he'd even recognize me. I have dark circles under my eyes all the time. I have lost about 25 pounds, I now weigh in at 109. I can barely stand up without falling over or passing out. I get vertigo alot.
Last night when my heart gave out for the fourth time... i could feel it stop beating almost..... I could.. I could feel myself almost dying.... and part of me wanted to let go, a really big part of me actually.
I'm on a breathing machine right now because i can't breathe for myself for too long without one of my lungs collapsing.
I want to die.
I want it all to end.....
But I don't want to leave Aden... hell I'm scared to leave him....... take care of him when i'm gone okay?
I don't know when i will be but if he doesnt get a chance to say goodbye, if i dont get a chance to .... I want +Nikhil Autar or +Cinde Luke to tell him this:
"Aden, right now? Words can not express my feelings. Have they ever been able to? I would tell you how much I love you, but you already know how much I do. I would tell you I would do anything for you but you know that already too. I just want you to know.... that I;m never really going to be gone. Because I swore to you I would be with you to the end and I will be. In your heart. I love you Aden. I know words cant make up for my loss. I know that , God i know. But i love you, and i know you love me and thats enough for me"
The last thing i said to him before he went under anesthesia, and before I could tell him anything was this.
"I promise i'll be here when you get out"
And now? I don't think I'm going to be.
And part of me is glad of that. I don't want him to see me like this. In the past week that he's been in the ICU I have changed so much I don't think he'd even recognize me. I have dark circles under my eyes all the time. I have lost about 25 pounds, I now weigh in at 109. I can barely stand up without falling over or passing out. I get vertigo alot.
Last night when my heart gave out for the fourth time... i could feel it stop beating almost..... I could.. I could feel myself almost dying.... and part of me wanted to let go, a really big part of me actually.
I'm on a breathing machine right now because i can't breathe for myself for too long without one of my lungs collapsing.
I want to die.
I want it all to end.....
But I don't want to leave Aden... hell I'm scared to leave him....... take care of him when i'm gone okay?
I don't know when i will be but if he doesnt get a chance to say goodbye, if i dont get a chance to .... I want +Nikhil Autar or +Cinde Luke to tell him this:
"Aden, right now? Words can not express my feelings. Have they ever been able to? I would tell you how much I love you, but you already know how much I do. I would tell you I would do anything for you but you know that already too. I just want you to know.... that I;m never really going to be gone. Because I swore to you I would be with you to the end and I will be. In your heart. I love you Aden. I know words cant make up for my loss. I know that , God i know. But i love you, and i know you love me and thats enough for me"
Monday, March 30, 2015
More Bad News
Aden isnt getting any better, if anything, he's getting worse. He had another seziure this morning and is in constant pain. The doctors dont know what to do for him because they think so many things are wrong at this point they need to know what to treat. And they dont.
~Nico
~Nico
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Update: Bad News
Update on Aden's condition:
Hi, I'm Nico, Aden's husband. Yes, we are young to get married. I am 20 and so is Aden. But age doesnt matter because we have love, what we dont have is time. I just wanted to let all of you know how he's doing. Not well. At all. He had a seziure earlier today and the doctors arent letting me see him. He went into the ICU about a day and a half ago i think, i dont know, it feels like eons ago. The doctors put him in there because he was having alot of trouble breathing, he was getting splitting headaches and wouldnt eat anything, he couldnt hold down any food. He was also in all over pain. I will update again when I know more. I am very scared.
~Nico
Hi, I'm Nico, Aden's husband. Yes, we are young to get married. I am 20 and so is Aden. But age doesnt matter because we have love, what we dont have is time. I just wanted to let all of you know how he's doing. Not well. At all. He had a seziure earlier today and the doctors arent letting me see him. He went into the ICU about a day and a half ago i think, i dont know, it feels like eons ago. The doctors put him in there because he was having alot of trouble breathing, he was getting splitting headaches and wouldnt eat anything, he couldnt hold down any food. He was also in all over pain. I will update again when I know more. I am very scared.
~Nico
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
3/25/25 One Word...Amazing
3/25/15 One Word...Amazing
Sorry I wasn't able to get on yesterday, I was incredibly busy with, well, getting married. I don't think my words can really do it justice but I'll try as best I can to describe it. The wedding reception was held in the old ballroom (at least thats what we call it) of the hospital, it's got a really high ceiling and it's pretty big and seeing as neither Nico or I are permitted to leave the hospital, it was the best place we could come up with. The room was lit with soft lights it felt really peacful, we had all the chairs in rows and the tables were to be brought out after the ceremony. At the end of the room we had a white latticework archway laced with flowers. It was beautiful :,) I can't really describe the feeling of rolling down the isle and seeing Nico standing there, leaning on his crutches, I was nervous, excited, terrified, nervous again, but most of all I was totally, incredibly in love. It was kind of like drowning. All of my emotions overflowed and by the time I got up there we were both crying. I don't think I even really heard what the officant said, I just remember saying I do and kissing my husband. Wow, the words still sound unfamilar in my mouth, exciting almost :) Our night was amazing and today was honestly pretty normal, the pain all over is spreading and getting worse but now days im pretty used to trying to ingore it.
It might sound strange to talk about this now but I want to help people. I want to help them while I can, while I'm still alive to. I've got 3 months left, Nico... I don't even wan't to think about it right now but thats not my point, my point is that.... If theres anyone out there who needs a friend or who wants to talk, you can talk to me. I've been through hell, I'll probably understand what you're going through. I just don't want to sit here in my wheelchair for my last three months and do nothing! I want to make a difference...even if I don't quite know how. I want to start on here. I want to make one difference, no matter how small, it still matters. One difference could change everything.
It's been a while since I last saw my friends from...before. They haven't come to see me in about a month. I guess I can understand that. Even my grandmother has stopped coming, I guess they're preparing themselves for the inevitable. Even I wouldn't want to be around when the bomb goes off. Sometimes at night I'll wake up and feel so incredibly alone, I'll picture our universe, expanding on forever and I'll think that my life doesn't really matter, how like an ant under a boot we all are. And then the grief at everything will close in and I won't be able to breathe. Then Nico will wake up and he'll hug me and what I need to hear. He won't tell me everything's okay because it's not, and he knows that as well as I do. But he will tell me that I'll make it as far as I can. And I know he's right......There's a favorite quote of mine "Where there is life there is hope" And that, above all else, is true.
Sorry I wasn't able to get on yesterday, I was incredibly busy with, well, getting married. I don't think my words can really do it justice but I'll try as best I can to describe it. The wedding reception was held in the old ballroom (at least thats what we call it) of the hospital, it's got a really high ceiling and it's pretty big and seeing as neither Nico or I are permitted to leave the hospital, it was the best place we could come up with. The room was lit with soft lights it felt really peacful, we had all the chairs in rows and the tables were to be brought out after the ceremony. At the end of the room we had a white latticework archway laced with flowers. It was beautiful :,) I can't really describe the feeling of rolling down the isle and seeing Nico standing there, leaning on his crutches, I was nervous, excited, terrified, nervous again, but most of all I was totally, incredibly in love. It was kind of like drowning. All of my emotions overflowed and by the time I got up there we were both crying. I don't think I even really heard what the officant said, I just remember saying I do and kissing my husband. Wow, the words still sound unfamilar in my mouth, exciting almost :) Our night was amazing and today was honestly pretty normal, the pain all over is spreading and getting worse but now days im pretty used to trying to ingore it.
It might sound strange to talk about this now but I want to help people. I want to help them while I can, while I'm still alive to. I've got 3 months left, Nico... I don't even wan't to think about it right now but thats not my point, my point is that.... If theres anyone out there who needs a friend or who wants to talk, you can talk to me. I've been through hell, I'll probably understand what you're going through. I just don't want to sit here in my wheelchair for my last three months and do nothing! I want to make a difference...even if I don't quite know how. I want to start on here. I want to make one difference, no matter how small, it still matters. One difference could change everything.
It's been a while since I last saw my friends from...before. They haven't come to see me in about a month. I guess I can understand that. Even my grandmother has stopped coming, I guess they're preparing themselves for the inevitable. Even I wouldn't want to be around when the bomb goes off. Sometimes at night I'll wake up and feel so incredibly alone, I'll picture our universe, expanding on forever and I'll think that my life doesn't really matter, how like an ant under a boot we all are. And then the grief at everything will close in and I won't be able to breathe. Then Nico will wake up and he'll hug me and what I need to hear. He won't tell me everything's okay because it's not, and he knows that as well as I do. But he will tell me that I'll make it as far as I can. And I know he's right......There's a favorite quote of mine "Where there is life there is hope" And that, above all else, is true.
Monday, March 23, 2015
3/23/15 One Day Till The Wedding
3/23/25 One Day Till The Wedding
I can't believe it, it really doesn't seem real. It seems like a dream. Will I really be.....wheeling... down the isle tomorow? Is this acually going to happen? I'm a giant bundle of nerves right now. I just keep thinking, after this, only a month, he's only got a month. Hell. It really doesn't seem real anymore. I would type more about my day but right now my hands are shaking to badly for me to do much of anything, if I manage to get on tomorow, I'll tell you about it. There is one major update though, a week after tomorow I'm going back into surgery to get the cancer (or as much as they can) out of my back. I'm actually really scared, I don't know why though, I've been in so many surgerys these past months it shouldn't scare me at all. I don't know. Thanks to everyone whose reading these, it really means alot. And thanks to those who replyed to my messages and those who shared my posts. It means the world to me to know you guys care.
I can't believe it, it really doesn't seem real. It seems like a dream. Will I really be.....wheeling... down the isle tomorow? Is this acually going to happen? I'm a giant bundle of nerves right now. I just keep thinking, after this, only a month, he's only got a month. Hell. It really doesn't seem real anymore. I would type more about my day but right now my hands are shaking to badly for me to do much of anything, if I manage to get on tomorow, I'll tell you about it. There is one major update though, a week after tomorow I'm going back into surgery to get the cancer (or as much as they can) out of my back. I'm actually really scared, I don't know why though, I've been in so many surgerys these past months it shouldn't scare me at all. I don't know. Thanks to everyone whose reading these, it really means alot. And thanks to those who replyed to my messages and those who shared my posts. It means the world to me to know you guys care.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
This Is a Poem I worte today, Its kind of about my fiance' and about.... time and death.. :) sorry that doenst sound to happy but you should read it anyway huh?
As the hands of time draw ever near
As the clock comes close to three
I want to say one thing my dear
So still and listen to me
As the clock comes close to three
I want to say one thing my dear
So still and listen to me
When soft spring winds on budding bows
whispered gently to the trees
He told them of a secret place
known only to you and me
whispered gently to the trees
He told them of a secret place
known only to you and me
The light spring wind was gentle,
gave you hope when hope was gone
My wounded soldier onward marched
using brain as well as brawn
gave you hope when hope was gone
My wounded soldier onward marched
using brain as well as brawn
Then came the summers sunny touch
forcing back the rain
She led you to a higher hill
above a grassy plain
forcing back the rain
She led you to a higher hill
above a grassy plain
Your knees from months of walking
buckeled from the strain
The summer gladly caught you
and took away your pain
buckeled from the strain
The summer gladly caught you
and took away your pain
So there you lay in Summers arms
unmoving and unknown
Until the crisp fall wind
showed you the way home
unmoving and unknown
Until the crisp fall wind
showed you the way home
The cooling touch of autumn
led you by the hand
Across mountians of glass
and oceans filled with sand
led you by the hand
Across mountians of glass
and oceans filled with sand
The oak trees leaves sighed in the breeze
and fluttered gently down
As my weary wounded soldier
fought to hide a frown
and fluttered gently down
As my weary wounded soldier
fought to hide a frown
The winter pushed him onwards
never letting him to rest
The winter month though sligtly harsh
knew that he knew best
never letting him to rest
The winter month though sligtly harsh
knew that he knew best
The cold wind only bit him
when the cold wind knew it should
It pushed him ever onward
towards the fairy wood
when the cold wind knew it should
It pushed him ever onward
towards the fairy wood
I opened my arms gladly upon
seeing my true love
I knew that months brought us together
when push had turned to shove
seeing my true love
I knew that months brought us together
when push had turned to shove
Its true i had my moments
when i myself saw death
When the hooded figure towered
I had barely gasped for breath
when i myself saw death
When the hooded figure towered
I had barely gasped for breath
But my soldier how he begged me
to stay only for him
And who was I to refuse
such a lovely whim
to stay only for him
And who was I to refuse
such a lovely whim
I met him in the summer months
courted him in the fall
I loved him through the winter months
which were the hardest of them all
courted him in the fall
I loved him through the winter months
which were the hardest of them all
Now we hang in the balance
as do we all
Where dreams become reality
where someone takes the fall
as do we all
Where dreams become reality
where someone takes the fall
So when you close your eyes my dear
and do not wake from sleep
My weary winter soldier
know that i will weep
and do not wake from sleep
My weary winter soldier
know that i will weep
We will not long be parted though
for in your footsteps i shall follow
Through the darkened corners
into every broken hallow
for in your footsteps i shall follow
Through the darkened corners
into every broken hallow
And when the summer months have fled
and winter brings his chill
Know that you are not alone
I'll love you ever still
and winter brings his chill
Know that you are not alone
I'll love you ever still
We will be reunited
under sun and moon and stars
There is no love stronger dear
or even close to ours
under sun and moon and stars
There is no love stronger dear
or even close to ours
3/22/15 Two Days Till The Wedding
3/22/15 Two Days Till The Wedding
Okay, so I realized pretty soon that the world wasn't a perfect place and that bad things happen to good people, but what it did take me a while to realize was that though our scars and our battles may define us, they do not control us. We do. We control ourselves, at least as much of ourselves as we can control. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with possible thyroid cancer, at the time, I was living with my 12th set of foster parents, they refused to take me to the hospital to have it confirmed or treated. The doctors kept monitoring me and said that the cancer would eventually spread. It did. It spread to my legs, both of them. I guess the day that my legs gave out and I fell down two flights of stairs was kind of a wake up call for them. They dropped me off at the hospital on my 19th birthday and I haven't heard from them since. I don't hold a grudge though, to be honest I wouldn't have wanted to keep me either.
At first it was hard for me to adjust to life in the hospital. I was used to running away from people, I didn't trust anyone easily. So the day I was told that they couldn't save my legs... that was a big day for me, and I dont mean that it was just scary because I would be loosing two limbs, but it was scary because up until that point I hadn't really trusted the doctors. Dr. Bear came into my room and he talked me through the procedure they would be using and I just remember nodding when I felt it was needed and saying "yes" or "I understand" where it would be appropropiate.I remember him looking at me and putting his hand on my shoulder. "You can relax now Aden" he had said "you don't have to run anymore, you're safe here." And I did, I decided then and there I would trust him, and thank god I did. I probably wouldn't be here if I hadn't.
What I really don't think alot of people realize is the toll cancer has on people. Not just physically and emotionally but... I don't know really what I mean, I guess you'd just have to go through it to understand. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
I used to play soccer. Not anymore. I used to do alot of things that i can't or just don't anymore. But the one thing I still do is laugh, I still laugh and I still smile. I think that's the important thing. To look fear or death or anything you don't like in the face and laugh at it. It seems less scary then. I don't know, mabye that's just me.
This morning after throwing up my breakfast four times after another round of Chemo, I decided to paint. I paint alot these days, depending on the day though, sometimes my hands are shaking to badly for me to do much of anything. Half an hour later the doctors came by to take me for another PET scan. They didn't say anything but I knew it wasn't good. It was worse then even I expected it to look, I was a bomb, or a firefly, I prefer to think that I am a firefly. I light up on the scan, the cancer isn't just in my legs anymore, it's in my back and it's spreading up to my lungs again. It's been getting worse lately, the weariness, the shaking, the pains. Sometimes I just want it all to end, and then I see Nico, and my whole mind just melts. He's the reason why I wake up everyday, the reason I go to sleep at night, he is my world as I am his. They said I could go see him later this evening. (Last night his lungs and his heart gave out, they brought him back but they said that it would happen more often now). People have told me that I'm brave, that I'm strong. And sure i'd like people to think I am, but you want to know thw truth?
I'm terrified.
Okay, so I realized pretty soon that the world wasn't a perfect place and that bad things happen to good people, but what it did take me a while to realize was that though our scars and our battles may define us, they do not control us. We do. We control ourselves, at least as much of ourselves as we can control. When I was 18 I was diagnosed with possible thyroid cancer, at the time, I was living with my 12th set of foster parents, they refused to take me to the hospital to have it confirmed or treated. The doctors kept monitoring me and said that the cancer would eventually spread. It did. It spread to my legs, both of them. I guess the day that my legs gave out and I fell down two flights of stairs was kind of a wake up call for them. They dropped me off at the hospital on my 19th birthday and I haven't heard from them since. I don't hold a grudge though, to be honest I wouldn't have wanted to keep me either.
At first it was hard for me to adjust to life in the hospital. I was used to running away from people, I didn't trust anyone easily. So the day I was told that they couldn't save my legs... that was a big day for me, and I dont mean that it was just scary because I would be loosing two limbs, but it was scary because up until that point I hadn't really trusted the doctors. Dr. Bear came into my room and he talked me through the procedure they would be using and I just remember nodding when I felt it was needed and saying "yes" or "I understand" where it would be appropropiate.I remember him looking at me and putting his hand on my shoulder. "You can relax now Aden" he had said "you don't have to run anymore, you're safe here." And I did, I decided then and there I would trust him, and thank god I did. I probably wouldn't be here if I hadn't.
What I really don't think alot of people realize is the toll cancer has on people. Not just physically and emotionally but... I don't know really what I mean, I guess you'd just have to go through it to understand. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
I used to play soccer. Not anymore. I used to do alot of things that i can't or just don't anymore. But the one thing I still do is laugh, I still laugh and I still smile. I think that's the important thing. To look fear or death or anything you don't like in the face and laugh at it. It seems less scary then. I don't know, mabye that's just me.
This morning after throwing up my breakfast four times after another round of Chemo, I decided to paint. I paint alot these days, depending on the day though, sometimes my hands are shaking to badly for me to do much of anything. Half an hour later the doctors came by to take me for another PET scan. They didn't say anything but I knew it wasn't good. It was worse then even I expected it to look, I was a bomb, or a firefly, I prefer to think that I am a firefly. I light up on the scan, the cancer isn't just in my legs anymore, it's in my back and it's spreading up to my lungs again. It's been getting worse lately, the weariness, the shaking, the pains. Sometimes I just want it all to end, and then I see Nico, and my whole mind just melts. He's the reason why I wake up everyday, the reason I go to sleep at night, he is my world as I am his. They said I could go see him later this evening. (Last night his lungs and his heart gave out, they brought him back but they said that it would happen more often now). People have told me that I'm brave, that I'm strong. And sure i'd like people to think I am, but you want to know thw truth?
I'm terrified.
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