OKAY. So maybe ive grown senile in the past few months, but I really don't need someone to tell me that loosing a loved one hurts, or how much pain it causes everyday, I dont need anyone to remind me of that. Im relatively annoyed right now... but heres how the conversation went (it was with one of my readers)
Reader: It hurts losing a loved one
Me: i know it does
Reader: And it hurts every day
Me: yes.. i know that as well..
Reader: It's like no matter how hard you try the pain never ever goes away
Me: ........
Reader: so, what are ya up to?
Me: .... seriously?.....
I just dont understand how people can be that insensitive. Sure, I act like im okay, hell ive even convinced myself that im okay. But here's the uncoulded truth.
I miss him, I miss him more then anything in this world, I barely sleep at night sometimes because I keep dreaming..... dreaming that he's back, that he's here with me, and waking up and finding that its not real hurts worse then a thousand shots. I've pushed it down, the grief and sorrow, i've let it sit. But sometimes it refuses to stay silent. Like now for instance. I guess I have good days and bad, but i'd sure as hell love to stop having bad days. I know people only tell me the truth, at least about loosing someone i love. But the matter of point is that I already know it hurts, and I really really dont need anyone to remind me of the fact even if they are just trying to be nice. Normally im fine with talking about Nico..... but not now..... i just.... id like for people to think before they talk. Like yesterday, some guy reader and some other girl reader were talking on my page and they were talking about how it must feel to die, then one of them asked me. I answered him truthfully and he told me i was lying straight to my face, he said it felt nothing like that and that if it felt as okay as i said then hed go ahead and get cancer because dying of cancer is better then dying of old age and in pain.......
If i had actually been face to face with this man i have no doubt in my mind that i would have wanted to hit him, however that display of strength is beyond me at this point so i guess hes lucky.
I just dont get how you can look at a cancer fighter and say things like that. I had hope for humanity, not now. That hope is fading.
Anyways, sorry for the rant, im going to give you guys an update on my friends becaus eyou havent heard about them in a while:
Carter is currently gaining a bit of weight though she still only weighs 90 pounds. Tom visits me once or twice a week, its good to see his face again. Jase and Lane are finding every oppotunity to make me laugh, like any one might be my last, yesterday they jousted eachother with curtian rods and whip cream pies as shields and mens underwear for helmets. As you may imagine, it was Lane who got pied in the face (jase is a tad more athletic). I do have some bad news though, Jake, the blind boy who became like my second younger brother, you remember him? He died a week ago. The doctors told us it was unexpected heart failure, they arent sure exaclty what caused it, and even if they know now they wouldn't be able to tell me, doctor paitent confidentialty. Im worried about my freinds, Jase told me that while i was gone last time, Carter stopped eating so well and Lane started becoming depressed..... I can only dread what would happen if I were to die, if something went wrong and I didnt recover. Im not even worried about myself anymore, im past that, part of me doesnt care, I just want to know that when i explode i wont be taking out more people with me. I want to make sure they'll be okay...... and because there is no positive way to know that, it terrifies me.
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