Im leaving tomorow

Hey guys,

     First off, i apologize that i was being selfish, that was not my intention at all and if any others feel that way.. i apologize as well. I was speaking my mind, that is all, im sure you understand, we all get like that sometime right? At this point i se no harm in expressing my true feelings as i have nothing too loose by saying them and nothing to gain by keeping them silent.


     So im going to the new hospital tomorrow. Im kinda nervous, kinda scared, but im excited at the same time. I dont know whats going to happen but i hope its good. Thinking about that stuff yesterday? Its made me realize that i cant give up yet even if i want to, that i cant stop fighting now, even though i feel like i cant fight anymore, because Nico wouldn't want me to, im not fighting for me anymore, im fighting for him.

     People often ask me what the hardest thing is to go through, they expect a normal answer, like the chemo, or the process of having your leg amputated, or knowing you have cancer in general, but no, all of that, you get used to it, it becomes a part of you that eventually after a while you have to accept it because if you dont you'll go insane. And yes i know what youre thinking, accept that youre dying of cancer! Doesnt that mean youre accepting death?!?! Well, news flash, nope, it doesnt, death is just a side affect of cancer, and cancer is a side affect of life. So in reality, youre accepting the fact that youre alive, but anyways, accepting cancer doesnt mean youre accepting death as well, it just means that youre acknowledging the fact that the cancer is present and you realize you cant cut it out of you or yell at it until it leaves, its a promise really, or a challenge, that you will fight as long as you can for as hard as you can until you are forced to give up.

     I've come close sometimes, when i was feeling... blue..... to pulling the plug so to say. But i realized i cant, and not because i mentally or physically cant (though in my physical condition right now its a wonder i can still hold a pencil or type) its because i had this voice in the back of my head, not my voice, Nico's. He was telling me that if i did this now, that i would dishonor his last request, his dying wish, and that, more then cancer, i think, would kill me.

     So when i leave tomorrow, i hope that they find the right buttons, the right combination to help me, because even if i never live past this summer, even if i dont live to see next christmas, even if i never achieve that golden star that is remission, it'll be okay because i'll know that i didnt give up, that i kept trying.

     I'll try to get on tomorrow morning and say goodbye, I'll be back on the 25th. Wish me luck, and to those of you who have, as they say, had my back.... I love you +Cinde Luke  +Nikhil Autar, thank you. If i dont get to say this agai, if the worst happens out there, thank you. I've told Jace to tell you if anything happens, I'd rather it come from him and James and my other friends then a hospital representative who doesn't really know me.

    I wish i could say that i kept my strength this whole way, that i kept a smile on my face, but i didnt. And maybe thats okay, maybe we have to frown sometimes so we remember what it's like to smile.
And remember my friends, This is not goodbye, this is only goodnight